“Moving slowly this year is
allowed, no matter what kind of situation you’re in.”
Familiar with those lines?
Yes?
No?
Well… I do.
I saw those words all over social
media especially in world we live in right now since there’s pandemic. Bunch of
them sounds the same and actually leads to identical meaning.
It was made on purpose to
bring consolation for all people who reads it. One of act of kindness, I think.
It is not wrong or right, but as always, I put myself between them by twirling
my mind, questioning
why such words like that get into people and not me. I mean, those lines felt
more realistic and close to shit we are facing instead poems and fiction which
romantisize lies and happiness at the same time.
Those kind of thought maybe a
sign that I surely living in my head. But whatever now— back to my question according the lines above, number
one:
Did next year or the next
after—or any year when pandemic already handled—we should racing as fast as we
could to catch up? What happened if we still in the same pace as before? Do we
allowed feel like shit again?
And question number two:
Are you really think every
human’s situation doesn’t matter? It’s true we’re in this pandemic together,
but did some strangers willing to pick up our shit that doesn’t even theirs? Some
good people would, but hey, how far is the limit of helping someone? In the
name of humanity or selflessness?
That strange feelings when suddenly everything turns to OKAY and I ask, seriously, is everything really okay?
All the things we already
know keep repeating itself followed by the same idea all over. We keep learning everything from
linear point of view. We are stuck, unless we tried to unlearn and relearn it.
Like as I’ve always believe, people who already achieving their goal are inspiring. We are supposed to following their path of success. Therefore, when I feel above at clouds, I’ve always remind myself to look at the unlucky ones to put a little gratefulness in me as I empathized with them. Then I looked around, I know I stand in a wrong way. Changing lanes doesn’t instantly make myself right, but I am going to find another light, another realization.
Although I still didn’t have any idea to
unlearn how reset my mind in certain manner when looking at misfortune as a
trigger to feel grateful. Instead, I tried not to comparing my ‘discomfort’ on
what other people had. I tried to figuring way to help, and surely not for making
me feel good about myself, but to actually help even it’s just a pray, I may
questioning everything, but I can’t pass the infinite, I am a believer. Thanks to
that.
Furthermore, I got this
realization how to unlearn “Inspired by beautiful people” and relearn this way:
This term of “beautiful
people” come from Ed Sheeran’s Song. lol. I know how this is sound, but his
statement that feared to being one of beautiful people, by saying that’s not who
we are, just bring back the courages to stay true to ourselves.
As for today, if I'm being
negative, I thought there’s no such as achievement I’ve done. I have so much potential to
do something with my writings but I didn’t pushed harder. I lack confidence
and drown in them. I endlessly regret not making more connections in college and
settle down with comfort. And the fact I already graduate and keep alive after
all I’ve been going through was amazing. But still, now we are talking about surviving
mistakes.
Disclaimer:
“Why do you assume you’re the smartest in the room? Soon that attitude might
be your doom.” Burr’s saying is like my wake up call when I starting to
doubt publishing this or not. I’ll publish it eventually, BUT, If sometime in
the future this became a backlash to me having an opinion below, just know that
I am making mistakes. I relearn that point of view are always change, the value
could be resilient and this is mine right now, in this time.
As I love to asking around
and nevermind if there’s an answer or not, let me throw you with some questions
first:
Q1: Have you feeling like
you are nothing?
Q2: How many times you
want to disappear?
Q3: Do you really think
you are worthless?
Well…
It isn’t really important if
you answer that truthfully or lying or denying it because whatever it is, I
don’t know the answer. The reason I write those questions is to grasp you the
subject of this talk.
And I think I’ve had the
answer for those question-- in case you’ve had no idea or curious of my answer—funny
isn't it? Asking and answering back to back. But aren’t we all like that?
Anyway… the answer are:
A1: You are nothing? Well
you are human, a million working cells to functioning. (Is it right to
mentioning ‘cells’? I am not really paying attention on those in high school.)
A2: You want disappear? Huh,
I doubt you’ll completely gone, there’s always be a track on how human lives
even the one we missed to documented. Except you are a secret agent, you know…
yeah… that kind…or like the old guard, they actually good at photobomb, really.
A3: You are worthless? Of
course not, I can sell your organs for high price. OK, capitalism.
I think those just one of
made up answer, as in the fact, there is no right or wrong answer for my
question. Just the professional could define it. So, back to my opinion.
I am easily inspired. Good book
makes me motivated to write, good music makes me thinking and feeling alive on things,
and good movies makes me feel energized and entertained which sometimes end up
as muse when I starting to write.
But, when it comes to
inspired by people as if it is a person, that person has to be someone who haven’t
achieved anything.
OR simply people who answered
“I did” for those questions, truthfully, and not denying it. Because if I want
to be true to myself, I also answering “I did.”
That’s why I made up those
question. You know, when you’re in school, the teacher would assigned you to
made up questions and choose randomly for quiz’s question from those. Well the
way I did those are by knowing the answer before making a questions.
So, yeah.
I don’t want generally giving
an idea that people always think of themselves like that though. There’s so
much optimistic person in this world that don’t wanna even drown in their
impulsive thinking, lucky for those people. And in this case, I am not those people, so I
just tell what I felt.
Our nature always led us to
appreciating an unimaginable
things and hard times on how success people reached their goal. That's why we
are glorifying success as a lifetime goal. But everyone has different level of
commitment as well as a starting point.
There are people who was
lucky enough to be a person they already are—to stand whenever they can to
fight. There’s also people who must giving their all or lose on everything to
defeat all the barriers to just in the same level as another people and another
people etc.
There are times when I felt like
bad person because congratulating people while wishing I had what they had at
that moment.
And maybe that’s one of the
reason God didn’t allowed us to see each other’s mind and heart.
Without blaming others as a
reason why we felt like that, it is your job to contain your feelings, embracing
them instead defining should or not should to feel. All the feelings are valid,
aren’t they? So WHY feeling sad, insecure, disappointed, etc are more okay than
feeling jealousy, wanting what people had, or not fully invested when
celebrating people’s happiness which labelled as a toxic heart?
My friend used to say, “Do
not feeling bad when you saw someone’s happiness.”
I am offended by that, just
because I don’t feel what people’s feel somehow I become a bad guy. Then believing
I am one of that bad guy, it ruins me.
So I took two step backwards,
as long as I am not exposed my feelings I shouldn’t had this responsbility to
knowing others too.
Magically it works, I am
feeling better. But I am not encouraging anyone to feel the same way about
this.
I took not-so-long journey to
finally understand dealing with feelings is to feeling it without judging. No one
knows except us and be done with it when it is time to let go, because on the
other time, it will comeback again, and when it comes, embrace it-linger by it-then
let go-feel free to not feeling it for awhile.
Needs a lot of writings and
thinking and good music and amazing documentaries to help me shaping this
thought.
So this is why inspired by
loser is a real deal.
Someone who is not achieved
anything in their lives no matter how many times they’ve tried, if they still
not succeed, they never labelled as a winner. They are still losers.
Then, inspired by loser automatically
make you not focus on successes. Instead, you will keep inspired to questioning
unanswered questions, to keep making mistakes, to unlearn, to understanding
feelings, to relearn, to feel like shit then let go, to know how took a step
backwards, to focusing on yourselves, to know where to stop and just sleep, and
to writes bullshit like this. Because, I am that loser. Feel free to be inspired!
Pict: One of episode of Mr. Bean
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