I am not done with my old houses

 

Picture by Artist name Bonnie Branson from Twitter BoOoOnnie the PAINter

All of my life, I have lived in four different houses.

Too many? Well, you tell me.

My mama and papa basically lived in Jakarta when they first met. After got married, they were still in the area, close to their relatives or so they thought.

Life itself takes it’s way to dynamic changes. All of sudden, my dad who worked at this construction company just for a few years get rewarded some capital money to build an individual house.

He's not really has good instinct when it comes to something important, like… choosing where potential places to start investing money on property. After collide with his old friend in this suburb area where his old friend also lived, he finally secure a spot.

This spot actualy has a funny plot twist. The area that was choosen by my papa now expanded to become a freeway or now it's called TOL JAGORAWI. So now my first house has more closeness with freeway than when it was first build. At least it is still there though.

I was born there. My first house... made from the strongest material as they usually used it for to build a huge building. It is strong but not in a quite right place.

I remember, not so long ago my sister realized and told me that our first home is what they called “Rumah Tusuk Sate”. The characteristics of “Rumah Tusuk Sate” is the house has a position at the end of the road, and making T-junction. And come think of it, my house is. That is why I am surely heard that my sisters frequently saw things—mostly another creature. Me, as a child also has a blurr projection about how strange things happened in our first home. One that always stuck in my head is lady with a long tongue and wide open eyes tried to scared me when I am taking bath. Shit, she’s picturing herself in my mind again right now. So yeah, that’s the thing.

My family was a newcomer, but we manage well. We become a part of community and also my first social encounter of neighborhood. We also actively participate on every event they've made like it supposed to.

The best thing we’ve done might be making friends for the first time then called them as childhood friends. Mine was awesome. Together, we danced and sang at a stage when celebrating independence day, cycling to the area that forbidden by our parents because the edge of freeway area is just desolated place where all the criminals or sane people exist. We also played at paddy field, stealing some cassava, or when we had money, we would eating ‘bakso’ plus a flavourish drinks which has a bad after effect in my throat.

Another thing to be grateful for is our elementary school just right at the front of our alley. So it's like we're free to go home in break time which I rarely do it because instead eat at home, buying snacks at school are my only chance to not caught up eating all those delicious slash unhealthy food that abang-abang made.

Enjoying a little bit too much my time in primary school without knowing my time left in those neighborhood is just one and a half year. Then somehow I manage to graduate primary school as the highest mark on national exam- my school ever record. Funny it is when I  am not even get high rangkings at every grade in school. I don't know why, but that situation made my parents didn't worried a bit which Junior High School to admitted because I can go anywhere I like. So, I decided to go in my sister old school which a little bit far from my home.

The little bit distance were solved by my papa who’s willingly took me every morning to school. Well, he did that to my sister before, so it wasn’t a problem. I got lucky. Then I'll go home walking about four kilometers before taking "angkot" with my friends because my junior high is in the middle of complex residences.

This is the begining for some huge changes. A year after adapting with walking a lot and having a public transport's experience, my parents decided to sell our first house to some family that still wants to live in the area after they got evicted. So, even it is hard to leave, I was persuaded by my parents that this moving thing could be a step up in our family lives.

My parents also started to questioning things which in my first house just had this stuck culture and the people we're not really improving. Everything is just the same because it is suburban area. They didn’t want us to just in there, not going into places. I also think the same. My first home isn't feel comfortable anymore, we were robbed countless times and the people just stays there, they're never leave, so we are going.

My eighth grade was so tiring. It is far commuter to school and my second home. I am blaming it on my parents because that time, everything was more far and unreachable because my papa, who not have a such good instinct like I’ve said before, chose more suburban area than our first home before. Which is an area called Cibinong. Shit.

The reason to starting over was a little bit too much because we were busy doing activity outside house. My mom and dad worked, my sister go to college and I am already tired of school. So, we just knew front, back right left neighbor. Actually, we have a perfect neighbor named Bu Jamila. She always cleaning her house all day, the floor has it’s signature good smell of carbol. She also giving us a lot of food. Well, we’re fine and tried to move along as a family in our second house.

Two years of my junior high, I was in a club consists of students who lived far away. Really, I through a hell in my commuter, especially in the morning. But it's also my happiest moment.

BECAUSE

As soon as we moved and started to settled, my parents prepared my sister and I with some kind of know how to dealing with real world. In my first house, I didn’t need to travel in great distance, but now everything changed, I am prepared to be a… ninja (?)

Well, no, actually it’s the know how to stay alert on public transportation, managing our allowance money, and stay strong when our family finance are not so good.

But also, looking at how far my school is, sometimes my sister or my dad taking turn to pick up me in junior high school when they had time. And of course those pick up time is my happiest moment. Especially with my papa, because my sister would start making this annoying face when it her turns.

My papa usually pick me up in 4 pm, after I was done with my private lesson to preparing for national exam.

As I say, it was 4 pm. The sun is about to set but it still had this strong warm light to give us lower temperature than in the middle of the daylight. It is not hot neither is cloudy.

He will sit there, in his motorbike. Wearing long john and a polo shirt-- no jacket even it was a long way home-- which make him soo handsome and more approachable with his wild beard and moustache. So, I sat behind his back with a little sweat in it because of the sun I think. Immediately he would asked me which street I wanna took, even he is the one who driving.

Then I start to picturing a places in my head, it goes with my mood, thinking about street I’m dying to know where it leads or what color which glimpsed in the speed of motorbike that driven by my papa or what smell I’m gonna spend the breeze in.

So, I’ve always know what to decide and he always follow through without complained. Sometimes we took a new road that he saw and just go for it. He is a risk taker, otherwise that attitude made him an accepting person, almost on my opinion especially, so I also just let him to tried every road's option.

That moment is just priceless because when doing it, I was happy and when remember it, I am grateful. Even so many times my back and my ass ended up numb because sitting in motorbike too long, or foolishly didn’t realized end up with rounding around the same road. In those journey, we would talk endlessly, about almost everything, stopping just right after we were arrived at my second home.

After graduated junior high, I didn't really had an ambition to go in some favourite High School in Depok. I am done with Depok because it's just so far away. So I am looking for a school in Bogor, which also far but still reachable and still in Jawa Barat so I don't have to preparing difficult paperwork.

I am found the one. I've always got luck in academic places. It is one of International School but provided with government. So let's say its good school which before I didn't want to be a part of. But I got in because it’s just my only option and the distance are good. SMAN 2 Cibinong or SMAVO. What a good fancy name. I don't know why I get there but as I say, with academic purposes, I've always got lucky.

I am taking my own vehicle to school, which is super efficient. At the end of second semester in 10th grade, we moved to a better house and it is in complex-- just a few hundred metters from my second home, so that's how I through High School in my Third House.

The third house was a witness when a happiness and a sadness happening in our family. Our five years is written at that house in every high and low moment. I'll skipped the sad ones.

The happy one which I spent two and a half days after sleeping in the dorm for a week and finally get to sleep in my own room, looking at the rain and haze on the windows while writing journal and listening a good song. At the kitchen, my mom was making something I like and in living room my dad would busy replying messages from his reading glasses that also my mom's, they sharing it and I don't know why.

Then the second year of college which is the fourth semester I have to moved again to my Nani's (Grandma) house, that's becoming my fourth house and I am sure I’m not losing count.

Living in Nani’s wasn’t a good start. Again, I'll skipped all the bad moments.

I am now living in my house number four. I manage to graduated college while living in this house. I don’t know will I gonna moving again or maybe just living here the rest of my life because I had this job to protect the one I still had.

Somehow all the story behind my houses are classified with my academic timeline and I think it was easier.

I realized my story are more and more lacked of details as in I moved to another house and another. But that's the way you evolving even after through a lot.

Which house I prefer called Home? All of them, I think, but I’m not sure one hundred percent.

Nowadays, I enjoying looking at houses, some villa near Italy surrounded by a lake. Put one in my mind it’s just a normal sight-seeing, and I’d hate to wished for imposibble things.

I loved doing anything in my room. I never underestimated spaces I able to provide for myself right now. But I want to see not just one ot two things, I want hundreds or thousands because everything is a little bit too much—Our nature body wouldn’t allowed it.

So the question I’m repeating in my head when overly lack of motivation are:

Will I manage to live alone and called it’s a home instead a house?

Will I just stuck here at the rest of my life?

And why I don’t have the answers?

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Seharusnya

 

Seharusnya adalah salah satu kata berdasar pada standar, tampak memaksa namun tidak terwujud.

Hidup manusia yang dijadikan percontohan bagi manusia lainnya kini bukan lagi diperlakukan sebagai model, melainkan sebuah keharusan.

Selalu ada manusia yang terlihat lebih jelas dari yang lainnya, yang selalu didengar pun juga banyak tapi tak semua. Mengapa? Karena dunia punya ketentuan seperti itu.

Orang-orang yang suatu keharusannya terlewat-- begitupun dengan orang-orang yang sudah sampai pada tujuannya, dibekali poin yang hanya diketahui oleh yang tidak akan mengikuti lomba. 

Dalam perlombaan ini, peraturan bagi yang terlewat adalah dilarang kembali atau putar balik. Sementara bagi yang telah sampai, peraturannya adalah dilarang berhenti. Keduanya kemudian tidak punya pilihan lain selain terus jalan dengan poin masing-masing yang masih tersisa.

Poin inilah yang selalu salah dimaknai si terlewat dan si sampai. Karena tidak tahu jumlah poin yang dimiliki, si terlewat dan si sampai membuat asumsi bahwa poin tersebut memiliki jumlah yang sama dengan menciptakan standar.

Standar ini memiliki alat bernama pembanding.

Pembanding lalu digunakan secara berlebihan, terkadang malah secara terang-terangan dan disadari betul oleh individu yang memercayai makna semu.

Klasifikasi terhadap si terlewat dan si sampai adalah fakta yang ditentukan oleh waktu, bukan alat. Bahkan sebenarnya mereka berbeda sekali.

Poin yang dimiliki masing-masing individu memang tidak terbantahkan karena sudah ditentukan sejak dulu, tidak mengetahuinya adalah cara untuk patuh pada peraturan untuk terus jalan sampai perlombaan selesai.

Kemudian, si terlewat dan si sampai akan menyadari makna semu sebuah perlombaan adalah tentang menang dan kalah ketika sesungguhnya perlombaan adalah tentang siapa yang menyelesaikannya.

 

 

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Inspired by a loser? Now that’s the real deal

“Moving slowly this year is allowed, no matter what kind of situation you’re in.”

Familiar with those lines?

Yes?

No?

Well… I do.

I saw those words all over social media especially in world we live in right now since there’s pandemic. Bunch of them sounds the same and actually leads to identical meaning.

It was made on purpose to bring consolation for all people who reads it. One of act of kindness, I think. It is not wrong or right, but as always, I put myself between them by twirling my mind, questioning why such words like that get into people and not me. I mean, those lines felt more realistic and close to shit we are facing instead poems and fiction which romantisize lies and happiness at the same time.

Those kind of thought maybe a sign that I surely living in my head. But whatever now— back to my question according the lines above, number one:

Did next year or the next after—or any year when pandemic already handled—we should racing as fast as we could to catch up? What happened if we still in the same pace as before? Do we allowed feel like shit again?

And question number two:

Are you really think every human’s situation doesn’t matter? It’s true we’re in this pandemic together, but did some strangers willing to pick up our shit that doesn’t even theirs? Some good people would, but hey, how far is the limit of helping someone? In the name of humanity or selflessness?

That strange feelings when suddenly everything turns to OKAY and I ask, seriously, is everything really okay?

All the things we already know keep repeating itself followed by the same idea all over. We keep learning everything from linear point of view. We are stuck, unless we tried to unlearn and relearn it.

Like as I’ve always believe, people who already achieving their goal are inspiring. We are supposed to following their path of success. Therefore, when I feel above at clouds, I’ve always remind myself to look at the unlucky ones to put a little gratefulness in me as I empathized with them. Then I looked around, I know I stand in a wrong way. Changing lanes doesn’t instantly make myself right, but I am going to find another light, another realization.

Although I still didn’t have any idea to unlearn how reset my mind in certain manner when looking at misfortune as a trigger to feel grateful. Instead, I tried not to comparing my ‘discomfort’ on what other people had. I tried to figuring way to help, and surely not for making me feel good about myself, but to actually help even it’s just a pray, I may questioning everything, but I can’t pass the infinite, I am a believer. Thanks to that.

Furthermore, I got this realization how to unlearn “Inspired by beautiful people” and relearn this way:

This term of “beautiful people” come from Ed Sheeran’s Song. lol. I know how this is sound, but his statement that feared to being one of beautiful people, by saying that’s not who we are, just bring back the courages to stay true to ourselves.

As for today, if I'm being negative, I thought there’s no such as achievement I’ve done. I have so much potential to do something with my writings but I didn’t pushed harder. I lack confidence and drown in them. I endlessly regret not making more connections in college and settle down with comfort. And the fact I already graduate and keep alive after all I’ve been going through was amazing. But still, now we are talking about surviving mistakes.

Disclaimer: “Why do you assume you’re the smartest in the room? Soon that attitude might be your doom.” Burr’s saying is like my wake up call when I starting to doubt publishing this or not. I’ll publish it eventually, BUT, If sometime in the future this became a backlash to me having an opinion below, just know that I am making mistakes. I relearn that point of view are always change, the value could be resilient and this is mine right now, in this time.

As I love to asking around and nevermind if there’s an answer or not, let me throw you with some questions first:

Q1: Have you feeling like you are nothing?

Q2: How many times you want to disappear?

Q3: Do you really think you are worthless?

Well…

It isn’t really important if you answer that truthfully or lying or denying it because whatever it is, I don’t know the answer. The reason I write those questions is to grasp you the subject of this talk.

And I think I’ve had the answer for those question-- in case you’ve had no idea or curious of my answer—funny isn't it? Asking and answering back to back. But aren’t we all like that?

Anyway… the answer are:

A1: You are nothing? Well you are human, a million working cells to functioning. (Is it right to mentioning ‘cells’? I am not really paying attention on those in high school.)

A2: You want disappear? Huh, I doubt you’ll completely gone, there’s always be a track on how human lives even the one we missed to documented. Except you are a secret agent, you know… yeah… that kind…or like the old guard, they actually good at photobomb, really.

A3: You are worthless? Of course not, I can sell your organs for high price. OK, capitalism.

I think those just one of made up answer, as in the fact, there is no right or wrong answer for my question. Just the professional could define it. So, back to my opinion.

I am easily inspired. Good book makes me motivated to write, good music makes me thinking and feeling alive on things, and good movies makes me feel energized and entertained which sometimes end up as muse when I starting to write.

But, when it comes to inspired by people as if it is a person, that person has to be someone who haven’t achieved anything.

OR simply people who answered “I did” for those questions, truthfully, and not denying it. Because if I want to be true to myself, I also answering “I did.”

That’s why I made up those question. You know, when you’re in school, the teacher would assigned you to made up questions and choose randomly for quiz’s question from those. Well the way I did those are by knowing the answer before making a questions.

So, yeah.

I don’t want generally giving an idea that people always think of themselves like that though. There’s so much optimistic person in this world that don’t wanna even drown in their impulsive thinking, lucky for those people. And in this case, I am not those people, so I just tell what I felt.

Our nature always led us to appreciating an unimaginable things and hard times on how success people reached their goal. That's why we are glorifying success as a lifetime goal. But everyone has different level of commitment as well as a starting point.

There are people who was lucky enough to be a person they already are—to stand whenever they can to fight. There’s also people who must giving their all or lose on everything to defeat all the barriers to just in the same level as another people and another people etc.

There are times when I felt like bad person because congratulating people while wishing I had what they had at that moment.

And maybe that’s one of the reason God didn’t allowed us to see each other’s mind and heart.

Without blaming others as a reason why we felt like that, it is your job to contain your feelings, embracing them instead defining should or not should to feel. All the feelings are valid, aren’t they? So WHY feeling sad, insecure, disappointed, etc are more okay than feeling jealousy, wanting what people had, or not fully invested when celebrating people’s happiness which labelled as a toxic heart?

My friend used to say, “Do not feeling bad when you saw someone’s happiness.”

I am offended by that, just because I don’t feel what people’s feel somehow I become a bad guy. Then believing I am one of that bad guy, it ruins me.

So I took two step backwards, as long as I am not exposed my feelings I shouldn’t had this responsbility to knowing others too.

Magically it works, I am feeling better. But I am not encouraging anyone to feel the same way about this.

I took not-so-long journey to finally understand dealing with feelings is to feeling it without judging. No one knows except us and be done with it when it is time to let go, because on the other time, it will comeback again, and when it comes, embrace it-linger by it-then let go-feel free to not feeling it for awhile.

Needs a lot of writings and thinking and good music and amazing documentaries to help me shaping this thought.

So this is why inspired by loser is a real deal.

Someone who is not achieved anything in their lives no matter how many times they’ve tried, if they still not succeed, they never labelled as a winner. They are still losers.

Then, inspired by loser automatically make you not focus on successes. Instead, you will keep inspired to questioning unanswered questions, to keep making mistakes, to unlearn, to understanding feelings, to relearn, to feel like shit then let go, to know how took a step backwards, to focusing on yourselves, to know where to stop and just sleep, and to writes bullshit like this. Because, I am that loser. Feel free to be inspired!

Pict: One of episode of Mr. Bean

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Tentang Bahasa Indonesia (lagi)

 

Betapa ku ingin membicarakan Bahasa Indonesia lagi…

Bias ogut terhadap Bahasa Indonesia sejak dulu-dulu emang udah keliatan, khususnya pada saat ujian/ulangan. Alhasil, belajar sebelum ulangan mapel Bahasa Indonesia akan lebih mantap persiapannya daripada sebelum ulangan ekonomi atau PLH (Pendidikan Lingkungan Hidup). Padahal ujiannya butuh baca doang tapi apa mau dikata, kalo udah pilih kasih yasudah.

Mulai dari buku catatan, buku tugas, portofolio kalo buat mapel Bahasa Indonesia dibikin serapih mungkin sampul dan tulisan tangannya. Apalagi kalo ada tugas atau “ngambil nilai” buat musikalisasi puisi atau nulis essai dari cerpen/novel yang disuruh baca, bukan main perfeksionis sekali ogut ngerjainnya.

Dari situ mau wacana ambil Pendidikan Bahasa Indonesia buat jadi guru dan the idea of ngajar kayaknya seru juga tapi ya cuma sekedar keinginan doang. Sempet juga mau ambil jurnalistik hanya bermodal suka sama berita. Iya, apa banget gue ya. Kepikiran agak lama tentang kuliah sastra, apa aja bahasanya tapi pilihan pertama selalu Bahasa Indonesia. Dulu nganggepnya suka Bahasa Indonesia udah pasti bikin jiwa ogut nasionalis, naif banget gue, kalo liat keadaan sekarang jadi ogah nyebut-nyebut nasionalis.

Lalu, semakin nambah umurnya, makin nambah juga pemahaman yang asalnya dari sana sini. Lama-lama berbahasa Indonesia entah kenapa jadi canggung. Canggung ketika mindset bocah SMP yang mikir kalo apa-apa pake Bahasa Inggris itu lebih keren. Punya pemikiran kalo baca Harpot, Narnia, Charlie and The Chocolate Factory sama The Little Prince in english itu edgy sekaleh, ya emang seru, tapi alasan awal baca adalah biar keliatan ga ketinggalan zaman.

Walaupun udah ada campur tangan Bahasa Inggris yang lebih mendominasi di setiap kegiatan yang ada, gue masih kebiasaan corat-coret bikin puisi di kertas soal ujian pas udah kelar ngerjain nunggu bel selesai, masih berusaha catch up baca novel klasik Buya Hamka atau Ayu Utami, masih baca kumpulan cerpen Kompas, masih seru nyari buku puisi yang kertasnya udah cokelat di perpustakaan, ironisnya sembari dengerin K-pop dan High School Musical.

Ada masanya ketika gue melabeli diri jadi K-Pop-ers sejati, nulis fanfiction adalah hal yang valid untuk berhalu ria. Dari situ, makin keasah kebiasaan merangkai kata yang baku buat dijadiin kisah cinta maksa seorang fans ke idol. Sungguh itu otak cuma mikirin plot meet-cute, cara meromantisasi segala hal dan mengabaikan logika orang biasa bisa-bisanya pacaran sama artis Korea, mana idol pula lol.

Masuk ke SMA, udah ga bikin fanfiction lagi karena fokusnya udah beda. Tujuannya adalah bikin novel. Timpang banget goal-nya dari FF ke novel, selain itu udah mager fangirling dan lebih dengerin penyanyi Korea yang ballad khususnya. 

Niatnya mau bikin novel tapi lama-lama jadi kaya curhat soalnya idenya kepotong-potong gitu. Nah dari curhat inilah tercetuskan all-in-english karena nampaknya kalau Bahasa Indonesia dijadikan alat untuk mengekspresikan perasaan asli akan geli dan menye-menye sekali. Jadi, satu buku jurnal isinya Bahasa Inggris yang ternyata saat lanjut ke masa kuliah semua tulisan gue jarang banget ada Bahasa Indonesia-nya. Bahkan bikin puisi aja sekarang pake Bahasa Inggris. Hadeuh.

Anyway, ga enaknya ngomong sendiri dan dijadiin tulisan ya gini. Gue-gue juga yang baca tapi kalo ga nyambung dari paragraf satu ke yang berikutnya bikin gregetan juga. Dari kemarin tuh udah ngebet banget mau nulis tapi gue bingung apa yang patut dibicarakan PLUS patut pula di publish di blog. Karena banyak sekali tulisan gue yang sama sekali tidak akan lulus proses screening oleh diri gue sendiri untuk ditempel di internet, karena… sayang aja…

Dua halaman buat blog termasuk udah banyak, ini tulisan juga udah selesai dari semalem terus gue tinggal tidur. Pas dibaca kembali, agak kurang sreg buat asal-asal publish. Akhirnya ku merevisi dari tadi magrib hingga sekarang.

All this effort, ada gunanya emang?

Ke orang sama sekali engga deh kayaknya. 

Namun setidaknya buat gue di masa sekarang hal beginian terasa tak ternilai. Gue dengan segala negative thinking tentang betapa malangnya semua nasib orang-orang di dunia ini, masih punya bukti kalau ada satu dua hal yang bikin manusia bisa bertahan dan satu yang bikin gue bahagia adalah ini... ya saat nulis. 

Menemukan pleasure yang bikin pusing adalah satu jawaban yang alhamdulilah-nya bisa terjawab dari banyak pertanyaan di otak yang terbatas ini. Cara menabung gue yang berhasil bukan nabung uang, tapi nabung tulisan. Uang emang kalo dikumpulin bisa bikin khayalan jadi kenyataan, kalo tulisan ditabung gue juga kaga tau bakal jadi apa.

Menyadari bahwa sudah panjang sekali tulisan ini, daripada tambah bercabang, lebih baik aku mendokumentasikan kata-kata Bahasa Indonesia yang bikin ogut sadar kalo value Bahasa Indonesia masih tinggi dipemahaman gue saat ini sebagai anak yang suka bahasa. 

Tujuan itu pula yang menjadi awal ide nulis hari ini, eeh malah bikin rangkaian pendahuluan yang panjang amat dan nampaknya mirip-mirip tulisan gue yang tentang Bahasa Indonesia juga.

SO! Setelah ter-distract dengan segala Pop Culture dan Hallyu Wave, selalu ada cara untuk kembali ke “Adat” sendiri. Kalau disebutkan, film Indonesia yang gue suka cuma 4, Petualangan Sherina, Perempuan Berkalung Sorban, AADC, dan 5cm. Keempat empatnya kalo ditonton ulang cringe banget astagfirullah tapi yah… seenggaknya itu yang masih lumayanlah.

Akan ada juga waktu-waktu di mana mau dengerin Tulus atau Afgan seharian atau tiba-tiba inget tante Titi DJ, Melly Goeslaw dan Krisdayanti yang lagunya kadang ke-play sendiri di dalem otak. Dengerin lagu Indonesia lama itu kaya dipeluk akrab sama kenangan yang ngeblur abu-abu tapi bikin hati tentram dan familiar, sudah pasti tanpa sadar hapal semua liriknya pas ikutan nyanyi.

Sementara, dengerin lagu Indonesia yang baru agak-agak tricky dikit. Banyak yang enak, tapi cuma satu atau dua yang bikin “inilah yang ku cari selama ini!” seperti Bumi dan Bulan forevah. Intinya cocok-cocokan.

Hm.

Jadi kata-kata dalam Bahasa Indonesia yang bikin amaze pertama adalah narasinya Mba Najwa Shihab di MV-nya Kunto Aji Pilu Membiru, katanya:

“Mah, terimakasih telah melahirkan aku. Aku yang masih berjalan sendiri merespon bentuk bahagia. Aku yang kini fasih memikul rasa sedih dan kecewa. Aku yang terus menyamankan diri dari cara takdir membagikan ilmu ikhlasnya.”

Sungguh, mba Najwa, kenapa bisa aja pas dan berarti serta bermakna aja gitu saat berceloteh. 

Kalo diserap satu-satu nih ya, semuanya emang ga ada yang salah. Keterkaitan antara keadaan dan kata-kata yang menjelaskan situasinya (ahem). Kata-kata yang kaya gini nih yang perlu ditiru, jujur dan memberi kejelasan. Bukan ambigu padahal penting untuk di mengerti.

Kedua, liriknya Nadin Amizah di lagu Sorak Sorai/Sorai, katanya:

“Kau memang manusia sedikit kata, bolehkah aku yang berbicara? Kau memang manusia tak kasat rasa, bolehkah aku yang mengemban cinta?”

“Lihat, cinta mana yang tak jadi satu,”

“Lihat, hati mana yang tak akan jatuh,”

Hm.

Masa-masa patah hati dan denial waktu  itu dibikin sibuk ngapa-ngapain yang ga penting. Ogah dengerin lagu-lagu tertentu akhirnya dengerin lagu Indonesia dan ternyata Nadin ini jago juga nulis lagu sendiri padahal baru ultah ke-20 Mei kemarin ya karena masih kawula muda juga tak ayal akan puitis indie getoh. Tapi lagu Beranjak Dewasa enak banget, dan Sorak Sorai ini yang ternyata ada versi awalnya judulnya Sorai.

Ya... maafkan kalo norak karena baru tau, gue kan ikut-ikutan doang, kalo orang suka ya biasanya gue juga suka. 

Kadang pernah engga, tapi jarang. Yah keseringan preferences ogut ga beda-beda amat, orang suka, kemungkinan besar gue juga suka. Ga menganggap kaya “aku ingin berbeda, ku suka yang limited-limited saja, gue edgy sekaleh.” Semakin tua, ego kayak gini makin pudar. Lagian suka barengan juga enak, bisa ngobrol, diskusi bareng, masalahnya ga ada yang mau diajak bersama hahaha.

Liriknya ya begitu adanya. Liat aja deskripsi di situ lagi merujuk ke seseorang, bikin kesel sendiri karena bener kok ada orang yang kaya gitu. Cocok udah sama yang abis uring-uringan karena cinta. Tsahhhh.

Ketiga, semua lirik lagu Berlari Tanpa Kaki-nya GAC/The Overtunes.

Gak terlalu menohok banget kalo liriknya dibaca doang, tapi kalo sekalian dengerin lagunya… yaudah… pasrah aja kalo keingetan babeh dan enyak.

Sebenernya banyak juga sih yang lain, kaya monolog-nya Junot di Tenggelamnya Kapal Van der Wijck yang menusuk hati Hayati sampe nangis sesegukannya keliatan kaya akting karena emang akting. 

Atau puisi-puisinya Rangga di AADC 2 yang tak ayal ingin dimiliki para wanita. Tapi gue males inget-ingetnya yang lain kalo sekarang udah kecapean nulis sendiri sampe pengen buru-buru diselesain.

Terakhir, terlepas dari polemik dan ketidakjelasan pejabat bangsa ini (lah kok politik tiba-tiba). Gue  merasa bergantung pada beberapa karya Indonesia yang ga semuanya jelek. Emang kudu jadi pemilih dan jeli, tapi kadang karya yang bagus-bagus bakalan nyamperin kok, seringnya sih gitu.

Dan satu lagi yang paling penting: sebenernya lagu Radja yang Januari aku berkenalan denganmu Februari aku mendapatkan cintamu Maret April Mei Juni kita s’makin menyatu (haseekk) ITU EPIC!

Pict Source : Somewhere in The Middle of Tweet's Replies

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A kid want relationship based on preferences and references.

At this age of twenty plus passing three whole year celebrating adult slash unwanted responsibility, staying off from drama doesn’t mean I don’t craving for a real relationship.

Open up the new horizon, they said. But how?

An easy answer is the let the nature working. Call it cliché as in destiny or first sight moment.

Therefore, I reckon the same interest. It was meant to be for cynical people.

I breaking down a few:

“Preferences and references are uncountable variables. Those infinite measure are meant to cross over on two or more person in purpose to starting relations. Some using those as a tools to find sparks and clarity. For some it works, some say they losing it, some say encountering, and some say it’s just exhausting.”

If the nature didn’t allow you make connections, then we make one as an effort. Act as in you are the controller. Start a conversation.

After countless efforts of talk, you start to losing and questioning  like this:

“Sometimes I was wondering how far will I go for swallowed all this references to just carry a talk or understanding another context. It doesn’t fun anymore, it’s exhausting. Can’t we just sit still and listening and observing and shut off about it and go?”

You know what you are doing is based on senses to build up people expectation, I know for sure it was tiring.

Then, you still want a relationship, kid?

Picture Source: Somewhere near Tweet's Replies.

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How it goes

Back then, years ago if I may add. This one day I felt above the clouds because realized one stupid thing about me—or maybe I would come with terms 'arrogant' to define the thought.

I was writing my journal in my dorm, supposed to go to the class but I am skipped—with 'laziness' as a reason not attending it. What an immature ungrateful child I was.

That day, In my journal, I was writing bunch of bullshit how to defending my laziness. One of them said:

"I think I prefer not doing what I don't like. I've always going for my passion is. School isn't one of them but I got through my academic years pretty well. I was smart after all."

REALLY? Surely? What a mess.

Sometimes when in the low condition, being aware on how I behaving in the past, I started to think maybe a half of helpless tragedy that happened in my life was because of that. Me being an ass.

(Before it’s too late, I apologize for my past behaviour and maybe right-now-behaviour.)

Back on track. All of my life, I am familiar with diary book. I don’t know when it started, but I’m positive it’s because my timeless visit to the biggest bookstore nearby with my papa in my time being a consumptive ten year old kid.

There’s one I remember, one and only and literally journal book I kept until now.

Brought it for myself from a likely supposed to be vintage store in a new mall—with a purpose my writings would be just in one place. I started filled it in 2014, mostly poems and unspecified goal to graduate high school and going to state university.

In 2015, first year in college, my recording on the journal book was pretty exhaustive. Being in new place, observing, get annoyed by everything and somehow manage to enduring it while writing those.

First half of 2016 was a good year. The second half and 2017 was a nightmare. But still, I choose journal book to expressing feeling. The fact is, I losing my rhythm in second half 2017. 

If I make a statistic of sequence of me writing journal, 2018-2019 is the lowest case. On that time I rely with friends to store how my day was, not a wise choice because it's just brought a short relieved and puff... they wouldn't even remember and ofc its not their mistakes. It is mine. So that's mean the risk are no record, no proof.

What I felt when re-read the journal is the fact when in those times, I keep mentioning my parents as excited as I can be right now, despites they are present in the past and not in here. As example, there was a part when I am writing on the journal at the time I was waiting my parents to pick me up from my dorm. My heart feel warm as I read those. That's why I thankful that I let myself making a reminder to me as person in the future. AND I didn't realize I did those important things.

As you keep a reminder on how your days are, you will going back to those times even it’s just a blurred memory. If it's bad, you could reflected how different you are in those time and in this time. If it's good, it would be your gift, to cherish the memories and how a consolation could bring you a warm feeling.

As I live through it, that is a magical to keep a journal.

Now, I writing on memo on the phone. Digital is more effective and I don’t have to use paper. But still, handwriting always has its SWAG. Also right now my journal look more organized. I love scratch on paper but sometimes I don’t even understand what I wrote.

I saw big differences after making organize journal, just like this blog, I could be more practical with words, make it easily understood and have a nice structure.

Well, our feelings not meant to store in one place, it’s all over the place, sometimes I recorded it to keep the moment, sometimes I share it with limited spaces like this blog, sometimes I kept in my memo to keep hidden.

It is a way for me to keep remember. Not always what I cherish, its about what I choose to write. As a proof if one day my brain decided to forget all of them, or me being forgotten which is okay, at least I live my life one time.

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