How it goes

Back then, years ago if I may add. This one day I felt above the clouds because realized one stupid thing about me—or maybe I would come with terms 'arrogant' to define the thought.

I was writing my journal in my dorm, supposed to go to the class but I am skipped—with 'laziness' as a reason not attending it. What an immature ungrateful child I was.

That day, In my journal, I was writing bunch of bullshit how to defending my laziness. One of them said:

"I think I prefer not doing what I don't like. I've always going for my passion is. School isn't one of them but I got through my academic years pretty well. I was smart after all."

REALLY? Surely? What a mess.

Sometimes when in the low condition, being aware on how I behaving in the past, I started to think maybe a half of helpless tragedy that happened in my life was because of that. Me being an ass.

(Before it’s too late, I apologize for my past behaviour and maybe right-now-behaviour.)

Back on track. All of my life, I am familiar with diary book. I don’t know when it started, but I’m positive it’s because my timeless visit to the biggest bookstore nearby with my papa in my time being a consumptive ten year old kid.

There’s one I remember, one and only and literally journal book I kept until now.

Brought it for myself from a likely supposed to be vintage store in a new mall—with a purpose my writings would be just in one place. I started filled it in 2014, mostly poems and unspecified goal to graduate high school and going to state university.

In 2015, first year in college, my recording on the journal book was pretty exhaustive. Being in new place, observing, get annoyed by everything and somehow manage to enduring it while writing those.

First half of 2016 was a good year. The second half and 2017 was a nightmare. But still, I choose journal book to expressing feeling. The fact is, I losing my rhythm in second half 2017. 

If I make a statistic of sequence of me writing journal, 2018-2019 is the lowest case. On that time I rely with friends to store how my day was, not a wise choice because it's just brought a short relieved and puff... they wouldn't even remember and ofc its not their mistakes. It is mine. So that's mean the risk are no record, no proof.

What I felt when re-read the journal is the fact when in those times, I keep mentioning my parents as excited as I can be right now, despites they are present in the past and not in here. As example, there was a part when I am writing on the journal at the time I was waiting my parents to pick me up from my dorm. My heart feel warm as I read those. That's why I thankful that I let myself making a reminder to me as person in the future. AND I didn't realize I did those important things.

As you keep a reminder on how your days are, you will going back to those times even it’s just a blurred memory. If it's bad, you could reflected how different you are in those time and in this time. If it's good, it would be your gift, to cherish the memories and how a consolation could bring you a warm feeling.

As I live through it, that is a magical to keep a journal.

Now, I writing on memo on the phone. Digital is more effective and I don’t have to use paper. But still, handwriting always has its SWAG. Also right now my journal look more organized. I love scratch on paper but sometimes I don’t even understand what I wrote.

I saw big differences after making organize journal, just like this blog, I could be more practical with words, make it easily understood and have a nice structure.

Well, our feelings not meant to store in one place, it’s all over the place, sometimes I recorded it to keep the moment, sometimes I share it with limited spaces like this blog, sometimes I kept in my memo to keep hidden.

It is a way for me to keep remember. Not always what I cherish, its about what I choose to write. As a proof if one day my brain decided to forget all of them, or me being forgotten which is okay, at least I live my life one time.