Makan Dulu

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Awal-awal bergelar sebagai "sebatang kara" (sedih banget deskripsinya). Pokoknya di masa awal punya label "itu", gue paling enggan yang namanya pulang ke rumah yang saat itu sedang gue tumpangi hingga saat ini.

Selain gatau mau ngapain di rumah dan belum ada rasa nyaman dijadikan tempat pulang, akhirnya sering banget main bahkan nginep ke rumah temen-temen yang bisa di jangkau.

Saking gamau banget banget pulang ke rumah, biasanya kalau senin-jum'at bisa ngampus dan ada ongkos, gue pasti jalan. Mau ada kerjaan atau sedikit alasan biar bisa ke kampus, gue pasti ke kampus. Gimana kalau weekend? Nah ini yang harus di akalin.

Akhirnya seperti yang gue bilang tadi, gue main ke rumah temen. Entah numpang wifi download film ilegal atau sekedar yaa main dan nginep aja numpang makan gratis.

Numpang makan gratis inilah yang sesungguhnya bikin bahagia dan bersyukur masih bermunculan orang-orang baik di sekitar gue yang mau kasih rezekinya ke bocah dewasa 20 tahun yang sudah sepantasnya dan ideal karena mampu cari uang sendiri tapi terlalu sibuk menye-menye menangis meratapi nasib saat di cicipin dan digerus sama pahitnya dunia.

Masakan ibu/umi/mama/emaknya-- (so far belum punya temen yg manggil mamanya "bunda") --temen-temen gue yaa tipikal masakan ibu pada umumnya. Enak, sederhana dan pastinya kesukaan anaknya. Berkat itu, gue banyak belajar hal dari yang namanya "makan di rumah orang".

Makan di rumah orang yang didatengin seperti yang kita tahu yaa memang adat di Indonesia. Bahkan, kalau menolak yang punya rumah kemungkinan bisa "tersinggung". Nah sebagai tamu yang disuguhin, apalagi anak gen bla bla seperti gue yang ga enakan namun di lain sisi mau tapi malu halah. Mungkin bahasa lembutnya adalah gamau menolak rezeki karena menerima adalah naluri manusia yang bisa membuat manusia itu entah terbebani atau senang atau merasa layak mendapatkannya.

Jadi, yaudah aku senang sekali akhirnya bisa makan-makanan rumah yang nyerempet rasanya seperti yang biasa almarhumah mama masak, gratis pula, duitnya bisa buat beli bensin-- karena jujur saat itu makanan sehari-hari gue adalah mie dan telor, mentok-mentok beli pecel tambah bakwan kalo engga urab ditabur peyek rebon.

Rasa syukur dan bahagia pun menyelimuti hati ini yang kering kerontang karena butuh kasih sayang mama papa. Orang tua temen-temen gue ini tau kali ya kalo gue suka makan terus beliau-beliau bingung ini anak kenapa jadi rada-rada kurus? Apa gara-gara stress? Haha. Akhirnya gue pun banyak ngobrol dan alhamdulillah bisa ngerasain suasana rumah lagi walau bukan rumah sendiri. Dan itulah yang membuat gue luwes kalau ketemu orang tua, walaupun mungkin kadang beliau-beliau mikir kampret juga nih anak sopannya setengah-setengah.

Sebagai penutupan, izinkanlah saya, memberikan salam untuk orang tua kalian. Sampaikan, terima kasih sudah memberi aku makan di rumah kalian. Mungkin masih belum bisa ku balas satu-persatu, tapi kudoakan selalu kesehatan dan rezeki beliau-beliau yang hatinya hangat sekali. Terima kasih, sekali lagi.

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Both sides now

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It was not like I was born yesterday that I don’t know nothing at all. So even it maybe didn’t related to you and I hope it didn’t, well… just have some of new insights. 

Maybe not a long time ago, but it feels like a long time too. So I just maybe say one and a half year ago, my life was the piled up for days to survive, days to be forgotten about, days that I should be worried because no progress wasn’t made after all, days of what the fuck I don’t care anymore, days when your friends reaches you—knowing that you are not okay at all even you’ve always said you’re okay, or days when you surely got up to cleaning your room—hoping it’ll get better and all those would passed and it did!

Yup, I know it sucks. And all of your brain cells are screaming at you: “WHY DID I HAVE GO THROUGH ALL THAT SHIT FIRST?”

Well, in this part you might be felt relate because… yeah, that’s life and I know I just said that million times.

But now, it’s not like everything’s fine and okay, it gets better but you deal with a whole new level of shits coming up.

“Time becomes more valuable so you start setting a schedule and sticking to it. No more flaking. You make time for work, your friends, and most importantly your family. You can also set aside time, to do nothing. Ultimately, you start to see how important it is to plan things out.”

Can’t agree enough for those words right now.

You’ll be more cherished weekend more than ever. Because you only had free time in those two days and had to make the best of it. But, what if your only two days used for something that suddenly come up and you should do it right away? Well, be adult. And from now on, I just let and wishing everyone have a great weekend even it is mostly not the way they dreams or planned in the first place.

--------

I did write that a month ago. So much changed. I am not the same person who’d written that on September 18th 2021.

I need extra time to discovering what happened on those changes and figuring out some things that still the same. How everything actually end and start immediately after the finish line or how some things didn’t follow up to the next steps. 

There is no point to pretending you did a good job even you aren’t—also, no need to hard on yourself even if you didn’t like what person you’ve become because of your choices. Because we are always in between. Happiness did not stay for long and sadness is the emotions that will go along the way on night like this.

A few days ago, it’s no strange that I had this conversation with friends that meant to be just a pep talk turned out to be a deep talk. She said as a closing, “Like always, thanks for always listening to me.” It is really basic manner if you feel grateful when someone listened to you and I am glad she is that kind of person. 

I answered, “It’s okay. It’s not like those emotions were unfamiliar anyway. But listening to this, I can’t help to think and ends up feeling that kind of your described emotions. I am sure this is empathy, I am glad I did validate yours, not judging it.”

I’m adding. “I am not proud with myself of the cause and the reason why you or anyone else asked to be listened by me. Even it’s neither good or bad for myself. It’s just takes energy. For now it’s okay, and if it’s turns out I am not okay, I also could ask you to listened me, right? That’s just simple like that.”

Lastly. I know it’s me thing, but if it didn’t hurt so bad, I will not asked for a companion. As always, I just defining on a scale, where were the emotions level if it’s adds up. I know I have people who in stand by mode just after one call away. But as in my value on being burden to someone else is not cool—Up until now, I treating their companion as an emergency fund—or maybe a gift voucher that has expired date?

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When you feel unwell and overwhelmed by it, you write.

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To commemorate this particular day, let's summarize with some details and description of what already happened and happening right now.

You feel unwell, but you did go to your office anyway, done your work after long conversations, incredible amount of coordinations with people and emails. And it's done.

You got this message from your old friend after all years stop talking not in the bad way, just in reasonable cause. You kept it anyway because you aren't at home yet and have so much to do before having your free time.

Meanwhile, your bestfriend also leave a message. A casual message of wanting something. You just read it anyway because yeah, you still in the middle of something.

You pick up some food for you and your family and a little drink for your bestfriend because you actually want to see her smile after unintentionally ignoring her message. You go to her house to see her smile, then you go home, you give food that you brought to your family and you see your family's smiles.

Cleaning yourself right away, can't wait for your free time. You replied your old friend's messages. Have a chit chat and promise each other to see as soon as possible. Ok.

You eat, and oh yeah, you still feel unwell. You have runny nose and you have cold. Your mind goes to that certain virus while the others mind is focus on keep eating so it will make everything better.

Next, you're playing social media, tweeting and scrolling. And you still feel unwell.

"You need someone when you're sick." You said that in your mind. And voila, your safe space is coming. She is your sister and you both started to talk about everything.

After declaring, "You need people in your life." Suddenly you felt gratefulness.

You send a grateful words to your bestfriend just to feel... yeah grateful. You're also missing that one certain person and denying right away anyway. Thinking it was useless and not in a place to start again and actually try to stopping all of it.

You still denying about that one certain person. You got up for a distraction and changed your usual sheets to your favourite sheets on midnight. One of activity you do to make yourself comfortable. Then you are cleaning your room. Checking front door lock. And here you are now. Forty minutes after tidying your bed, cleaning your room and locking your house's front door.

What a day! Just for reminder that today is worth written and you will grateful one day when read this again in the future.

Nighty night while you still feeling unwell.

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Short title: I've talked too much

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Long title: This writings was written because I have a good conversation today. On 76th Indonesia Independence Day.

Begin: 00.11 AM/ 18th August 2021

How come a girl with a mole on her lips should labelled as someone who talk to much leads to being annoying etc. Older people say so and they tends to be the one who believe in superstitions.

I was raised with that kind of mindset that I was talking too much. Even my parents agreed with the idea of me, as the youngest child, should be the one who's funny and happy all the time. Oh shit, is that why my name has a rhyme same as "funny"? Nope. I genuinely remember, dad's got name "Giovanny" from christian baby name book they got from hospital. TMI, I was born at St. Carolus Jakarta.

Anyway, carrying youngest child label whom always kind of hated by others older sibling because they thought we are annoyingly spoiled human being that always win (and we did!). I've always thought my parents love me the most and yeah that's so wrong in many way but at least I let them and felt much love from them in a real way. Thanks you two for unimaginable love!

So. Yeah. Talking too much.

I don't know who I am, really. How I felt about conversations with people? It's up and down. Could be amazing, alright, until meh...

If I looking back to my social skills on really basic grade until high school. I would say, I've never be an outsider. I've always belong to this kind of group filled with people who encouraging a friendship like a team. You know, because every team needs a funny smart fat friend so yeah, I've always belong somewhere.

But there's also the time when I got tired being so in arranged environment or maybe I want to be looked like a good person so I've always find it easy to approach a person who's more into observing and listening rather than full of energy and wanted to be heard. I've always connected with the most alone person in class and the funny thing is, I could actually enjoyed talking with them. Oh my god, the memory just pouring out, I could named them right now. But nah...

They are the real people who have a real story in their past or coming life ahead.

There's a girl who always bring a tablet to school and as any high schooler could be, I am continously borrowed it to play games, which, the game is Minnion Rush, that I still immensely played until this time. Also, that leads me to having no phone at my first year on my college, instead I get a tablet instead just to keep playing that game. Wow, goosebumps on my skin even I am writing this now. 

Another thing I remember about her is, she is the master of cheating BUT she is also one of the brightest brain in class. She told me that even she is already know the answer, she would go through this math problem to just assuring her ego that she actually did it with her own ability. At the end of high school, she did all exam tests by her own and I'm glad she did. Because as I mentioned before she is truly a smart girl. I learned a lot from her.

There's also this boy in my junior high school, we were in same class and I used to be one of class administrator back then so yeah I know every kid financial state in those time. He always said "later" everytime I asked about weekly contribution money and I just casually moved to ask another kid without push him a little more to give the money right away.

So, I'm observing him, and asked where he lives because there's so many times we would pass by on the road when we're going home from school. He was walking while me driven by my sister. One day, I asked "Why we keep run to each other? Where do you live?" Lol, I asked like the road was mine. And he tell me long story about his dad's motocycle repair shop and his young brothers. And from those day, everytime we run to each other in the road. I would brightly shouting his name while waving my hand. My sister in other side saying why would I do that thing and called me "genit". Wtf, sist, that's my friend that I gladly saying goodbye with. Well, Majid, whenever you're at right now. I would gladly saying hello again...

I also know this truly talented person who writes. She is the master of writing fanfiction. Genre: thriller. She wearing this big glasses, I'm being serious and I am not kidding. I don't see why my generation seeing someone who is passionate about something is a weird person. My generation likes similarity as a cool things. This girl is eccentric, not weird. She loves history. She's a walked wikipedia. I learned all conspiracy theory from her. The last thing I heared about her is that she's in literature major. Perhaps she already publishes a book? Yeah I hope.

Glad that I've known and had long or short conversation with them. They aren't unfounded, they just have this deepness people don't wanna know.

In college, when your social skills is the most used for heading to this world, I am shutting all of that with no reason. I'm exhausted all the time and making friends is just a necessary agenda thing. Seriously, I'm talking to people just want one thing: information. They're just a bunch of either people trying to stand out or people who too scared to say anything because the others also didn't say anything and always in save zones while I am the one didn't give a f and just want to sleep in my dorm.

But among those people that I explained selfishly general, I met people who just right matched with myself. Surely six years communicate with bunch of people who wasn't too smart, having a boring life story, wasn't eccentric and definitely not one of them are outsider. They are good at social skills and talking even the most introvert one.

Some of them are my favourite conversationalist. Four hours literally talking on the phone with me is... idk, what are we even talking about? Or long haul long and deep conversation on messanger. You guys are the best. Thanks for that.

And lastly to my family. Nani, who this afternoon asked and telling me all gossip about Megawati and Prabowo while I searched their parents' names, or spouse and siblings on google just to completed her sentence. 

Also My sister whom tonight explaining how great South Korea's health systems is and bring up and mocking my worse and embarrasing moment when I was children with all our recall memories of our parents.

I am grateful. I am.

Now looking back, I am still that girl with a mole on her lips no matter how the idea of that truth is followed with how much I talked or simply I didn't said because I am keeping the silence. Because I've looked at life from both sides now.

Good night. Or morning? Shit.

End: 02.27 AM/ 18th August 2021
No edit. Just published. Good Lord, Giovannyyyy.....

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Karaoke list.

Just watched a good movie. CODA. Got a nice song along the way. Well its movie which song was a big deal on it... -so.

Surely write too much these past day or at least today. So much in my brain that needed to get out. Started from tweet and now... another blog.

Now is 00.53 AM. It's already monday and I got to go work in 7 hours even if it's "Harpitnas" I just know tomorrow's work wouldn't get any easy so I just let my heart out in this comforting feelings caused by writings and letting out my mind to make a record that I hve been in this funny situation.

I am listening dodie's album now. Ok. TMI.

And so yeah, I'll talk about karaoke list.

This was in my mind this morning. I was chillin' like my usual weekends looking over too much on my phone and in the mood of re-watching Frozen 2. Yeah lame. But this rarely happened that I liked the sequel of the movie instead the first one.

Fast forward to Idina Menzel singing Show Yourself. And yes! I love the song. Without any clue. I searched for the instrumental and ready to cue for singing it.

You know, it happened basically all the time of our lives that you just singing from youtube instrumental and think that as a karaoke. Or maybe not. Or yes if you're in the never-cease-pandemic.

Making a list of songs that I want to singing if I was in karaoke was always in my mind but I really never actually making it. 

Or this one time when you singing for yourself and you approved that the songs was perfect with your voice and get an urge to making a list of "Song that makes my voice sounds really good". I really mean it when I thought that out.

My judgement of my own voice is always on both sides. There was a good day and a bad day. But I loved singing and humming and whistling so nothings really good or really bad. 

When I talk that I am actually never make a karaoke list, it's true, because when I started to organizing songs in my head, I should dividing them in three language. English, Korean, and Bahasa Indonesia

I sing all those kind of songs and get confused whether I like more. I think it's slightly a same amount. Dunno. 

Turns out, I'm still haven't writing that list. So, this karaoke list still a mystery until I figure out or government could help to arrange karaoke industry to coming back in a meantime. But DUH! I know its useless giving expectations on those people. So, just get enough and satisfied with youtube instrumental, my friend.

Oh yeah, I have plan to buy home karaoke microphone. Just see when it could be implemented. Bye and may you have a good sleep. Oh, no worries, I'm talking to myself.

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