Jam 4-an, 4-ish.

 

Nulis karena lagi pengen atau nulis karena ada yang perlu ditulis gap perbedaannya menurut gue bisa besar sekali. Btw, trigger yang membuat mood menulis muncul hari ini adalah:

Gampang yah temanya. Dan sebenernya dari dulu-dulu tanpa categorize per day gitu tulisan ogut topiknya terkait itu-itu juga (?)

Eh tapi engga... ga mau challenge gituan juga sih hehehe. Tak perlu lah aku menambahkan kekonsistenan yang terpaksa.

Terlalu sering memberi penjelasan terhadap diri sendiri ke orang banyak akan membuahkan reputasi ini dan itu. Dan aku tak ingin ini itu. Kalo udah ini, ini aja. Padahal bukan sesuatu yang bisa di kontrol juga yekan?

Seminggu terakhir, gue lagi re-run Sherlock-nya BBC. Gegara one day before that gue mimpi lagi discuss sama Benedict Cumberbatch tentang kerjaan. Iya, itu apa banget, tapi aku adalah anak yang seringkali baper kalo mimpiin sesuatu jadilah gue nonton Sherlock entah untuk yang keberapa kalinya.

Setting Sherlock yg di London kalo pas banget siang-siang tengah hari dan terang benderang mengingatkan gue sama latar-nya Mr. Bean (yaa... betul, suka tiba-tiba saja memang pikiranku ini). Ada episode pas abis pulang dari gereja/pantai gitu gue lupa, ada rumah-rumah blok jarang-jarang tapi rapih hijau etc terus ada ban mobil terbang-terbangan gitu. Atau my favourite place to see yang lain adalah di episode Mr. Bean ngejar-ngejar bola golf, keukeuh gamau pegang hingga akhirnya sore-sore udah agak gelap twilight dia cetak score dan rasanya puas banget.

Gue emang jarang banget pergi kemana-mana, tapiiii kalo lagi suka sama cuaca hari itu pasti bakalan keingetan seumur idup.

Contohnya, masih siang-siang menuju sore, panas tapi mau redup-redup, gue dibonceng kakak gue naik sepeda dari ujung gang besar ke jalan raya sampe ujung lagi ke rumah. Dan karena jalanannya lurus, jadi keliatan ujung dan ujung tapi agak jauh, 200 meter sepertinya. Kita racing di situ, seperti layaknya bocah sok-sok an mau break free setelah menolak tuntutan tidur siang. Hem, bahagianya.

Ada lagi pas SMA, pulang sekolah jam 4-an padahal bel pulang jam 2, gue juga gatau kenapa betah banget di sekolah. Pas pulang hujan, ga gede-gede amat tapi yaudahlah pake jas ujan. Cibinong, sore-sore ujan ademnya bikin damai. Lewatin pemda, pohon-pohonnya netesin air kalo kena angin, aspalnya jadi glossy kena air, hati-hati jadi pelan-pelan sambil hirup-hirup debu yang keguyur air. Sampe rumah ada mama lagi nonton tv, di meja ada mie kuah yang ga diabisin. Berkah sekali hidupku.

Dan yang paling favorit sore-sore waktu di jemput Papa pulang les. Ga panas ga mendung, motoran lewat tapos yang sepi itu, sampe-sampe magrib. Oh baru inget, ke sentul, sama Papa juga, motoran, gerimis kecil-kecil kita nyasar di gunung, tanya tukang pisang lalu bingung sendiri karena ngomongnya pake bahasa sunda. Hm, what a memories.

Mau sore-sore ujan atau sore-sore panas tapi ga terik banget, kayaknya aku memang sore-sore person (?). Tapi kalo mau maksain kenapa gue suka sore-sore yang bukan menjelang magrib, mungkin karena gue lahir jam 16.00 hari sabtu ba'da ashar. So, that's the unreasonable reason why ogut suka sore kek anak indie pemuja matahari terbenam wkwkwkkwk.

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Naratama dan naratetama

Gue pernah menyimpulkan seperti ini: "Jadi orang baik itu usahanya lebih besar dibanding jadi orang jahat."

Orang yang pure bener-bener baik mungkin tidak akan pernah memikirkan penyataan gue di atas. Tapi, siapa yang tau hati manusia yekan?

Ada dua hal yang jadi concern gue selama mencoba menjadi orang baik. Pertama, pengorbanan. Kedua, ya itu tadi, usaha.

Gue paling menghindari yang namanya ngerepotin orang yang tujuan akhirnya adalah untuk memenuhi kepentingan gue sendiri. Walau kata "minta tolong/minta bantuin" lebih cocok untuk mendefinisikan hal tersebut, namun ketika meminta pertolongan akhirnya menjadi beban bagi si yg dimintai tolong, maka di situlah masalah baru akan muncul.

Ga enak hati menolak pas dimintai tolong? Yah... begitulah kehidupanku setelah menjadi orang baik. 

Kalimat pamungkas ketika dimintai tolong adalah "Yaaa kalau aku bisa bantu, nanti aku bantuin deh." Ada fifty-fifty sebenernya pada kalimat atas. Mungkin bisa atau tidak bisa. Namun kebanyakan orang-orang yang menjawab dengan kalimat tersebut sudah bisa dianggap menyetujui untuk memberikan pertolongan.

Semua pemikiran ini disebabkan oleh pesta pernikahan seorang sahabat, besok di Bogor. And as much I didn't like an event, they pulled the strings to the core which made me one of those bridesmaids and I have no idea how to fucking behave tomorrow in the sea of people and Covid-19. Why I would take that risk? Simple answer: important person's happiness.

Gue tahu pasti rencana menikah pasti sudah di pikirkan sejak lama, dan ternyata Tuhan berkehendak lain. Planning-planning itu akhirnya di held karena ada Covid-19 di awal tahun. Apes memang, tapi yaaa apa mau di kata.

Menjelang akhir tahun, ketika beberapa orang sudah jenuh sama Covid-19 ini, dan kelonggaran di sana sini makin terlihat, maka banyak pula yang melanjutkan rencana bahagia nya.

Tidak masalah sama sekali seharusnya melanjutkan fixed plan tersebut, aku pun senang sekali dan mendoakan khusus atas kebahagian sahabat lama ini. Namun ikut bahagia dan mendoakan kebahagiaan tidak cukup bung, ada perayaan yang harus dilakukan. Perayaan itu tentu tidak hanya melibatkan dua orang terkasih tersebut, melainkan membutuhkan orang banyak untuk bisa berjalan. So here I am. I'm one of per n people that choosen to make that plan works. 

Sungguh, kehadiranku bahkan tidak hingga sepenting itu hingga bisa merusak rencana. Namun, ada adab yang mengharuskan aku untuk berusaha dan berkorban.

Kalau dipikir-pikir, pertemanan itu selalu ada cost (nilai) nya, dapet pekerjaan bisa lewat teman, begitu pula dengan jodoh dan koneksi-koneksi lainnya. Serta peace of mind yang didapatkan setelah membeberkan masalah pada teman terpercaya atau bahkan berantem & nesu-nesu akibat salah paham antara pertemanan juga seringkali terjadi, setidaknya sepanjang ge temenan sama "orang" dari kecil sampe segede gini.

Hingga ada di saat gue menarik diri dari teman-teman karena saking takutnya ketergantungan akan presence mereka di hidup gue. Memutuskan lebih baik ku tenang sendiri dan meminimalisir untuk repotin orang mulu. And that's going well. Hingga pada akhirnya aku bekerja dan kudu open communication dengan segala hal yang sebelumnya sudah ku tinggalkan beberapa bulan.

Gue pun mulai responding kalo ada yang reached out, ketemu lagi beberapa karena perlu atau ada alasan untuk bertemu, berhubungan kembali walau hanya lewat pesan karena alasan rindu atau menanyakan seautu. Namun setelah melakukan itu ternyata ku balik merasakan perasaan yang dulu: terbebani. Entah oleh diri gue sendiri ke mereka atau mereka ke gue. Seperti punya tanggung jawab lagi untuk make sure they are safe and sound instead believing they always be well.

Kadang gue mikir sebagai manusia, adab berhubungan dengan sesama manusia sebenarnya sangat sulit walau bagi beberapa orang bisa dibuat sederhana itu. Makanya mungkin kalau gue sampe tua belum ketemu manusia yang sama-sama ga jelas pemikirannya sama gue, maka dogs, cats, birds fish, or even an iguana adalah my end-meet.

Sekian.

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And, from that day forward...

 

Alright. Here We Go Again.

Even when in the middle of pandemic, I think I saw folks more than I could imagine this year. Some are new, some are old friend, and some are just a pass on.

Even I am trying to cut off TMI about everyone by decided not to tingled in between of their space, and hmm well... not exactly one hundred percent a success-- because when you were remembered by your friend or any acquaintance and they decided to contact you. Then... yeah, you couldn't stayed any longer in those cage. 

The things is: when you opening after shutting off or in my case is lessening everything, you are forgot the reason why you decided to finally stepped out in first place. Because as soon I walk out the door, I was showered by all the information I purposely skipping without me wanting to catch up. Exactly like Neil said: "What's happened, happened." P.S: I scored Tenet one time with, need the second and the third but with Bahasa Indonesia and Korean subtitles.

Well well well so then, I finally secured a job. Dunno 'til when it will lasts but most of my focus and time are those. I'm in the phase where happiness means no complain and just do what you had to do.

Well, I'm here to write. Not to rant or what it is called.

A friend asked me how's life lately and I said like I've always said but then she noted: "That's really unexpected of you tho. You've been more 'accepting' than before"

I just hoped my shape of mind could see anything in the same way no matter what I am going through. Hahah. HELL NO. What a huge lie. I am not gonna be a same person like now if I'm still unemployed.

Moving along... So. I have two wedding to attend this month. One down and one is coming up and it took a lot of things to prepared like dress or thinking how to commute to the wedding venue which is in Bogor so I think taking train would be... cheap and... idk.

Yeah. Weddings. The way a couples sharing happiness and celebrate their choices of being together the rest of their lives with "all" people they've know. If it stick to that core definition, then I'll happily come.

I love movie about weddings so much, but not really immersed into placing myself to that kind of ceremony as a main character. But i'd loved to being the one who enjoying the food & music & talk.
I just don't have a courage to directly asking people to spare their time, energy, and cost for my own deals.

Well, so many time I thought why someone who thinks like me ends up having a friends. Are my friends are running out of choices of people who they could friends with? Or they maybe holding it in to stayed friends with me.
Well it's not like my friends are in huge number, so that's why there are who's apart or gone and who's stayed there because maybe they did think like I did. 

At last, let our friendship keeping the necessary distance, casual but still closer and noted to know that I'm always here. DONE.
*I realized kok my writing sucks lately yaa. Gosh, my grade was decreasing!!!

Pic: Mindhunter Netflix Series - Dr. Carr

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Back up

 

Hello. It's me.

I know this moment would come, my phone made a bad joke. It was totally give up for about couple hours, after I could bring it back alive with affecting all the things inside it.

Means... my words all gone, also important materials that I fond with.

It such a shame, of course. But I got new prioritize that maybe made those unwilling feeling about losing some memories could set aside for awhile.

From what I see, I reminded by anything happened back while that I really love talking with people. As well as silence working on finding myself like its supposed to. So I am fine with both. Those are regularly repairing my mind in sub path to finding another thoughts.

These days, or maybe like any other days that already ruined by pandemic, as I get used not to knowing what people willing to shared, now I'd rather give a feedback what connected to me even didn't try to reach them first. 

Still supressing the feel of missing certain person because there's nothing we could do to meet and hugging each other. I didn't know which barriers that made us so far but at the end it's all about our choices that made us (or just me) suffering like this. It feels like I am using my power to hold back the way but its breaking down one by one. I think the time will come when I freed by my ego but now, I'm not gonna choose to starting first.

Converting what has been important to go fully ignorance is imposible. I am contemplating on what people labelling as kinds of affection. My feelings could be anything. That's why I haven't figuring one-exact-term to defines it yet. 

That time, I said it'll pass. But I didn't prepared by what comes after that time, it was passed and now all is frickin' comeback. Shit. 

Pict: Twitter

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I am not done with my old houses

 

Picture by Artist name Bonnie Branson from Twitter BoOoOnnie the PAINter

All of my life, I have lived in four different houses.

Too many? Well, you tell me.

My mama and papa basically lived in Jakarta when they first met. After got married, they were still in the area, close to their relatives or so they thought.

Life itself takes it’s way to dynamic changes. All of sudden, my dad who worked at this construction company just for a few years get rewarded some capital money to build an individual house.

He's not really has good instinct when it comes to something important, like… choosing where potential places to start investing money on property. After collide with his old friend in this suburb area where his old friend also lived, he finally secure a spot.

This spot actualy has a funny plot twist. The area that was choosen by my papa now expanded to become a freeway or now it's called TOL JAGORAWI. So now my first house has more closeness with freeway than when it was first build. At least it is still there though.

I was born there. My first house... made from the strongest material as they usually used it for to build a huge building. It is strong but not in a quite right place.

I remember, not so long ago my sister realized and told me that our first home is what they called “Rumah Tusuk Sate”. The characteristics of “Rumah Tusuk Sate” is the house has a position at the end of the road, and making T-junction. And come think of it, my house is. That is why I am surely heard that my sisters frequently saw things—mostly another creature. Me, as a child also has a blurr projection about how strange things happened in our first home. One that always stuck in my head is lady with a long tongue and wide open eyes tried to scared me when I am taking bath. Shit, she’s picturing herself in my mind again right now. So yeah, that’s the thing.

My family was a newcomer, but we manage well. We become a part of community and also my first social encounter of neighborhood. We also actively participate on every event they've made like it supposed to.

The best thing we’ve done might be making friends for the first time then called them as childhood friends. Mine was awesome. Together, we danced and sang at a stage when celebrating independence day, cycling to the area that forbidden by our parents because the edge of freeway area is just desolated place where all the criminals or sane people exist. We also played at paddy field, stealing some cassava, or when we had money, we would eating ‘bakso’ plus a flavourish drinks which has a bad after effect in my throat.

Another thing to be grateful for is our elementary school just right at the front of our alley. So it's like we're free to go home in break time which I rarely do it because instead eat at home, buying snacks at school are my only chance to not caught up eating all those delicious slash unhealthy food that abang-abang made.

Enjoying a little bit too much my time in primary school without knowing my time left in those neighborhood is just one and a half year. Then somehow I manage to graduate primary school as the highest mark on national exam- my school ever record. Funny it is when I  am not even get high rangkings at every grade in school. I don't know why, but that situation made my parents didn't worried a bit which Junior High School to admitted because I can go anywhere I like. So, I decided to go in my sister old school which a little bit far from my home.

The little bit distance were solved by my papa who’s willingly took me every morning to school. Well, he did that to my sister before, so it wasn’t a problem. I got lucky. Then I'll go home walking about four kilometers before taking "angkot" with my friends because my junior high is in the middle of complex residences.

This is the begining for some huge changes. A year after adapting with walking a lot and having a public transport's experience, my parents decided to sell our first house to some family that still wants to live in the area after they got evicted. So, even it is hard to leave, I was persuaded by my parents that this moving thing could be a step up in our family lives.

My parents also started to questioning things which in my first house just had this stuck culture and the people we're not really improving. Everything is just the same because it is suburban area. They didn’t want us to just in there, not going into places. I also think the same. My first home isn't feel comfortable anymore, we were robbed countless times and the people just stays there, they're never leave, so we are going.

My eighth grade was so tiring. It is far commuter to school and my second home. I am blaming it on my parents because that time, everything was more far and unreachable because my papa, who not have a such good instinct like I’ve said before, chose more suburban area than our first home before. Which is an area called Cibinong. Shit.

The reason to starting over was a little bit too much because we were busy doing activity outside house. My mom and dad worked, my sister go to college and I am already tired of school. So, we just knew front, back right left neighbor. Actually, we have a perfect neighbor named Bu Jamila. She always cleaning her house all day, the floor has it’s signature good smell of carbol. She also giving us a lot of food. Well, we’re fine and tried to move along as a family in our second house.

Two years of my junior high, I was in a club consists of students who lived far away. Really, I through a hell in my commuter, especially in the morning. But it's also my happiest moment.

BECAUSE

As soon as we moved and started to settled, my parents prepared my sister and I with some kind of know how to dealing with real world. In my first house, I didn’t need to travel in great distance, but now everything changed, I am prepared to be a… ninja (?)

Well, no, actually it’s the know how to stay alert on public transportation, managing our allowance money, and stay strong when our family finance are not so good.

But also, looking at how far my school is, sometimes my sister or my dad taking turn to pick up me in junior high school when they had time. And of course those pick up time is my happiest moment. Especially with my papa, because my sister would start making this annoying face when it her turns.

My papa usually pick me up in 4 pm, after I was done with my private lesson to preparing for national exam.

As I say, it was 4 pm. The sun is about to set but it still had this strong warm light to give us lower temperature than in the middle of the daylight. It is not hot neither is cloudy.

He will sit there, in his motorbike. Wearing long john and a polo shirt-- no jacket even it was a long way home-- which make him soo handsome and more approachable with his wild beard and moustache. So, I sat behind his back with a little sweat in it because of the sun I think. Immediately he would asked me which street I wanna took, even he is the one who driving.

Then I start to picturing a places in my head, it goes with my mood, thinking about street I’m dying to know where it leads or what color which glimpsed in the speed of motorbike that driven by my papa or what smell I’m gonna spend the breeze in.

So, I’ve always know what to decide and he always follow through without complained. Sometimes we took a new road that he saw and just go for it. He is a risk taker, otherwise that attitude made him an accepting person, almost on my opinion especially, so I also just let him to tried every road's option.

That moment is just priceless because when doing it, I was happy and when remember it, I am grateful. Even so many times my back and my ass ended up numb because sitting in motorbike too long, or foolishly didn’t realized end up with rounding around the same road. In those journey, we would talk endlessly, about almost everything, stopping just right after we were arrived at my second home.

After graduated junior high, I didn't really had an ambition to go in some favourite High School in Depok. I am done with Depok because it's just so far away. So I am looking for a school in Bogor, which also far but still reachable and still in Jawa Barat so I don't have to preparing difficult paperwork.

I am found the one. I've always got luck in academic places. It is one of International School but provided with government. So let's say its good school which before I didn't want to be a part of. But I got in because it’s just my only option and the distance are good. SMAN 2 Cibinong or SMAVO. What a good fancy name. I don't know why I get there but as I say, with academic purposes, I've always got lucky.

I am taking my own vehicle to school, which is super efficient. At the end of second semester in 10th grade, we moved to a better house and it is in complex-- just a few hundred metters from my second home, so that's how I through High School in my Third House.

The third house was a witness when a happiness and a sadness happening in our family. Our five years is written at that house in every high and low moment. I'll skipped the sad ones.

The happy one which I spent two and a half days after sleeping in the dorm for a week and finally get to sleep in my own room, looking at the rain and haze on the windows while writing journal and listening a good song. At the kitchen, my mom was making something I like and in living room my dad would busy replying messages from his reading glasses that also my mom's, they sharing it and I don't know why.

Then the second year of college which is the fourth semester I have to moved again to my Nani's (Grandma) house, that's becoming my fourth house and I am sure I’m not losing count.

Living in Nani’s wasn’t a good start. Again, I'll skipped all the bad moments.

I am now living in my house number four. I manage to graduated college while living in this house. I don’t know will I gonna moving again or maybe just living here the rest of my life because I had this job to protect the one I still had.

Somehow all the story behind my houses are classified with my academic timeline and I think it was easier.

I realized my story are more and more lacked of details as in I moved to another house and another. But that's the way you evolving even after through a lot.

Which house I prefer called Home? All of them, I think, but I’m not sure one hundred percent.

Nowadays, I enjoying looking at houses, some villa near Italy surrounded by a lake. Put one in my mind it’s just a normal sight-seeing, and I’d hate to wished for imposibble things.

I loved doing anything in my room. I never underestimated spaces I able to provide for myself right now. But I want to see not just one ot two things, I want hundreds or thousands because everything is a little bit too much—Our nature body wouldn’t allowed it.

So the question I’m repeating in my head when overly lack of motivation are:

Will I manage to live alone and called it’s a home instead a house?

Will I just stuck here at the rest of my life?

And why I don’t have the answers?

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