Assessment

Apart from the need to assess my subordinate at work, I think I should be the one who needs to assess my life at the end of this year.

Weeks ago, I came to a realization in the middle of some high frequency electronic dance music where the people around me were getting excited and jumping around with the hype. Then it clicked with my awareness that I was not comfortable being part of that kind of crowd. I had simply followed the opportunities that came for me but that was it. In the midst of it all, it felt like nothing really mattered.

Also, it came to my understanding that the society which I was raised in has become something I didn't care enough to try fixing because it was so corrupted by everyone that benefit from the systems.

Still in that crowd, I was observing. Most of the people whom attended the caremony have a stable jobs that somehow made them accompanied with their spouses/partners or even their children because that's what the ideal lifestyle looks like in this society. Looking at that pattern, I feel that marrying some Indonesian guy with steady jobs backed up with their existing parents and big family followed by some not-really-pure inheritance of wealth has never been an option for me. For one, I feel like I have nothing to offer. Secondly, I simply not wanting to be judged or pitied that I did not have alive parents or any proper family background to support me so (big insecurity detected). I think becoming someone's daughter or son is a privilege I didn't fully appreciate eight years ago.

I have come a long long way drama with messed-up relatives going around over the past 27 years of my life. While we live separate lives now, I have come to understand that relatives are just relatives, they are so much different with the main family (based on the importance and urgency). 

Honestly, I could just packed up my bag and leaving on a jet plane (?) because literally I was given an available-unused-space in this house where I resided for the past 7 years and now it got me thinking why I didn't go immediately after making some money? Is it because I still hold on to my beliefs? Customs? Some attachments issues? Or maybe the very close reasoning is simply because my salary isn’t enough to afford a proper personal place? 

What a misery it is to live in this country as sandwich generation/middle-class.

As I reflected from some silly self diagnosed videos in tiktok which believing that my toxic trait is attachment issue which I know I sound stupid—but honestly, It has become my thing that I will start to move on if I really really getting enough—or when I no longer feel like I have anything to do with those things anymore or the highest peek is when I am getting bored in a way it starts making me sick.

It is ironic to living the life where you are supposed to be grateful because you are in the "safe zone" yet after being the same conditions over and over. You will keep coming back to the same cycle: feeling grateful for your mundane life until the day comes when you have responsibilities not just for yourself but for someone else too. But hey, as long as you happy and fulfilled, I think that's a safe choice.

However, right now, I have nothing to lose. I am alone—in a good way. I may be alone but I do have people who are my support system. Before I settle into a mundane life and have responsibilities to any other human that is part of me, I won't hesitate for a second to leave all this behind. Slowly but surely, I have started to form an exit plan. As someone who are full of passion and hundreds of goals to reach, told me, when you are starting somewhere, you also must plan an exit. That’s how you keep life moving forward, or at least keep the will to live it.

I know I will probably going to break down at some point in this exit plan if things didn't go well as planned, maybe in the middle of it, I will need help—not only from my people but also from a psychologist, to help remind me to bring back all the reasoning in this head why I am still here.

Happy Friday, It is now Friday. Just 4 hours away to get back up and werk werk werk werk werk.