I hope no one reading this.

Image source: @peopleiveloved instagram feed

Just a while ago, well minute ago, I was going though my second heartbreak and made my mind up to done with it. I don't know how to give marked to showed that I'm done with all this but enough is definitely enough.

Should've done this a long time ago. But hey, glad that I realized that this must stop or I would be a fool if keep this continue. 

It's such a shame that I should mad about something first to actually end this, I'm about to rant and saying something ugly slash refreshing in social media but now come think of it, I would've feel guilty and ashamed, then delete it at the end. So, let this head kept swearing without leaving a trace in this digital world.

Keeping a promise and get on with it wasn't easy. That's way this writings has to exist. In case I not too hard to myself in terms of doing this.

I don't know what to say anymore. I'll take the chance.

"So this is me unclasping my fingers. 

This is my parting, my reluctance, my heartache and my final gift to you.

This is me letting you go." - Heidi Priebe

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out

Maybe my occupation in past life is a nurse-- which just nonsense because there's no such thing in my holy book. So... yeah. Why I said that? Because... I'm the expert on taking care of person. Especially unwell people. I just know... and good at it.

Do not get me started with anything. I am an adult who wished not to be one. 

I don't know how to behaving like 24 year old woman in this country. We all live in standard. I want out. But it seems like everyone holding on me. Or it just me who couldn't let go.

Last night I was imagining what would my mom said to me in this specifically time, is she would say "So sorry you should go through this again when thinking all is starting to settled but the fact it isn't. Sorry I couldn't be there and you have to take that responsbility when I know it's too much."

And the most important things is what will my mom really said to me if she's still alive? Is she asked for my help like others or just let me go and live my life.

I am tremendously tired. Like being an orphan not already hard, I have to going through all of it once again. 

What is life exactly? 

Is it looking all beautiful places, taken by someone by picture and video they're sharing and be done and enough to just look in this fucking small screen?

Is it feeling miserable when people you living with also miserable, taking care of them and god knows until when. 

Is it being kind, take all responsbility because you just don't want to take courage labelled as selfish person with people you knew.

What's the meaning off all this?

I'll die eventually in no time.

No, I won't do anything to die. I want to keep alive. But this is not the life I want, it is choosen for me but it's hard and I don't care anymore. There, I said it.

And shoot, I have so much to do at work tomorrow. Money is a sure thing.

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I Am Writing This So I Could Get Back To Sleep.

I was playing would you rather in my head to holding back the doubtness of what I did through in this life these past couple months.

Should've done it like I'm usually do, get things done, taking my time, and move on. Maybe a little bit grumbling a long the way. But nowadays, the feeling of restless starting to taking over.

Uncertain possibilities piles up and I can't simply just get rid of that. I've always denying by thought "Well, everyone feels the same way." 

Well, everyone is, but its not your business. You can't always put people in front of you and facing your feelings as leftovers.

I was in talk with my friends. They said, "It's much better you still kept out from all the unnecessary investment in relationships. The effort is just... bigger than you can think of."

The truth is, I don't even want to thinking a lot of it. They said, it is much better away from all that stuff-- but I think I could cover it up if anything happens. Things like that have to be both important and negligible at the same time.

I'm used being alone. Even when my mom and dad and sisters still around I have this likeness of being alone. Also this past years, I somehow grateful for all the time I spent it all alone. But I think its time that this loneliness gone, I had enough. I needed a company. But again, who are we? Getting things that we want.

"The fear of loss is stronger when one truly has something to lose, so when you jump in full hurts that much more" - I seriously quoting this from short story of Conneto UK advertisement.

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Self-reward.

 

You are hoping when the next time you see my writings again, it would be post pandemic? Well hell no baby, its worsen! In Indonesia of course.

People...... dying. We are. If we are surviving this pandemic until it's over... until it's really in the very much edge when we could call it Covid-19 free, I promised I shouldn't take things for granted.

I will work my ass off to do whatever I want to do. I'll go overseas, spending money I've earned and seeing people as much they want to see new people like me! I'll left behind these familiar place and people without planning to ever comeback. I'll missed it though, but just let me go. 

Anyway, I got something to talk about.

I find a "self-reward" culture was used for us-- the usual type or ordinary person with minimun wage-- to reassuring their consumptive behaviour or as you called now as eaten by capitalism.

That kind of standard-- the consumptive one I mean-- were used on bought things like literally things or food. 

And here's I want to talk about: 

Ever since I'm making money, the necessity of things was increased because I have a whole different agenda everyday. The basic need of food or any utilities must be fulfilled as long as in proper quantity. So it can't be called as self-reward.

Is self-reward only achievable by some or a lot of money? 

How was your needs determined where it belongs?

Are they a basic needs, self-reward or consumptive behaviour?

Like always... I have too much questions.

First answer: Oh no, darling. Self-reward doesn't have to be earned by money. It is earned by you and for you.

Let me give you an example of self-reward that is earned by you and for you. If you are watching Hospital Playlist, Song Hwa asked Ik-Jun what thing he do to himself-- not for others as always he did in the first place. Song Hwa then showing this photo of camping's tools that she's bought recently for her and proudly said that she is happy when she bought it. When Song Hwa asked again what Ikjun did to make himself happy, Ikjun answering having dinner or lunch with Song Hwa, that's the thing that he do it for himself to make he's happy. And... that's it... That's it!

You are simply didn't need money for self-reward. Just used your money for basic needs and voila... 

Self reward is doing something with people and acknowledge that you doing it for you not for people you want to do something with. It is both selfish and selfless. Hahah, mindblowing, isn't it?

I just found out lately. 

I am rewarding myself with serenity from others. How their day went or something I could help to make they at least feeling at ease.

But, this self-reward also has a risk and deficiency. The more you care about people, your value about balancing selfless and selfisness could be imbalance. You starting to questioning, is it true you are happy doing this or just feel more burdened by it. Like I do feel now. I do still in the middle of reasoning why I made this writings. Is it for me or is it trying to tell a certain people?

Confused? Well, me too.

Don't think too much. I am just wasting your time.

Bye and happy reading!

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Those nights.

Source : Soul Movie by Pixar

Alright. It's 00:33 a.m

Welcome to the last night of worry-free holiday!

I think its a waste if I skipped writings on this holiday because I don't think I could committed to these after work were related.

Seriously... I just want to sleep. I don't even know what things I want to talk about. Like I said before, such a waste if I didn't write on this night.

Okay, the basic one. Let's play 5W+1H. 

How are my feelings?

In the safe mode. 

Second. 

Where were my mind goes to?

Hm. Like it always divided. But certain persons made it to top five list. 

Third.

Who you're listening these days?

Bunch of Indonesian's OKAY singer or any song from my "Skripsian Song" playlist on spotify. 

Fourth.

What things you most worried of?

Simplest and complicated one: FUTURE.

Fifth.

When the last time you cried?

A few hours ago. Also, I think I cried everyday. So?

Last. Sixth.

Why are you doing this?

What? Writing? Well... I think I hopelessly needed this. My head is so full of things I should let it out but words just doesn't seems want to cooperate.

Oh. I have one actually.

Friend of mine just going through grieving these past time. I'm in the middle of weighing what's right and wrong how to behaving. Because the truth is there's no right or wrong on this case. You're just kept floating, like those poor children who eaten by Pennywise (this is fiction - and it's cruel - pardon my metaphor)

Anyway... I mean, when you're alone, its imposibble to avoid the overwhelmed, all the energy was drained up. And when you around people, its a great distraction. That's why when I'm going through it, college is my happy place. My GPA was 4.00. Just wow! Proud! Love myself. Kiss. Xoxo.

Okay. Let's talk about future.

One clean house with cool breeze from its countless windows (its has a same vibe like Lawang Sewu but I hope it wasn't) not to green, not too brown or grey or white or colorful. Truthfully, I can't even imagining what dream house I want but I think I could work on that later. Very much okay with me alone in the house or if its not too much, I welcome bunch of company of cats, dogs, birds, or (human person - oh... for this: needed to rethink again).

Being one of storymaker of one or two or more animated features. Whatever. I just want my worked has a visible output. I seriously doubt this dreams. Please hear me, Ya Allah.

Ah... since I love school. Getting master is definitely on the list! But since I also love money, let's go work work work first.

Hey... the most important thing is: Healthiness. I prayed for me me me and you you you. Keep maintain it! Good luck. 

Done at 02:19 a.m

What a crap. Bye. Shit, The title!

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