27th Wisdom

 

Because we do not have all the time in this world, what if I compile some personal wisdom that I have found and carried along in daily life—personally as individual. Mostly subjective, absurd, random, arousing questions and TMI.

1. Apple Music has way better audio quality than Spotify. As an Android and Spotify user for years, this discovery could be a deal breaker to stay in Android.

2. Your boss and colleagues will like you more if you are tending to listen. Just be an active listener, gather information and answer the question. The rest communication is not actually necessary.

3. You get bored with everything you used to enjoy. But losing interest also brings you to another perspective of what you used to hate, and then you actually try something new in those processes.

4. Fasting is starving yourself for good purposes. Diet, eating disorders, spiritual devotion, etc are in fact solved by fasting.

5. Be brave enough to lower your guard and then up your awareness around—especially strangers. Just believe that sometimes our instinct will protect us from bad things and attract good things. If it is a nice thing, you will have a good day.

6. Having separate phones for work and personal matters is not necessarily needed. At the end of the day, your judgment of importance and urgency was strengthened to handle out-of-work hours messages.

7. Free Palestine!

8. More and more paying attention to your dental and oral health. Just imagine you will be kissed by someone every day, that kind of motivation will keep you from smelly breath.

9. Thoughtful gifts are cool. You are an adult, you must take the time to think about what gift to bring and hopefully, you have the money to spend.

10. When someone checks on you, and with the complexity going around, if you did not bother to respond any other day ahead, you are an asshole even if deep down you feel grateful.

11. You start to question: “Does the likeness to certain celebrities feel lame?”
Well, all we do is find distraction which is camouflaged with self-satisfaction. Call it happiness or coping mechanism, just enjoy the excitement.

12. Inevitable judging “She/He/They should’ve known better” to your family and friends are the act of ignorance. Check on them!

13. Basic potential most likely revealed in the second year after your quarter life. If you must know more about the hidden potential of yourself, then go on, if you are fine with all you got in the present, that is realistic.

14. Travelling requires good fit and funds to support the feeling of “all-in” or “YOLO”. You don’t have both? No judgment for those people who choose to sleep in on their holiday.

15. Dude who wasn’t interested in you will let everything doesn’t happen. Dude who occasionally finds you, he is definitely just a friend.

16. From now on, you will fancy walking more than everything else.

17. The 4-hour conversation with the acquaintance becomes regular thing you need once in a month. There also goes the skill of being a good conversationalist.

18. The guts to cut off friendship was done without conversation. You are being careless with one existence and before you know it, the gap is already big anyway.

19. There is so many layers in low-maintenance friendships. With everything that happens in life, focusing on yourself is understandable and should be. Instead, if the balance on receiving approach was much more than you did on your friends, you are self-loving selfish.

20. It is too much for someone who ever dealt with grief expected to be a reliable person. But if they become it, give them hug and offer help while you can.

21. Free Palestine!

22. Stick to your groceries list, tick your to-do list with honesty.

23. Being lonely makes you impulsive. Having a company requires more money.

24. Submit reimbursement for anything that is allowed by your company. Take it for granted.

25. Guard your fundamentals, being more practical to our religion, and be conservative just for yourself.

26. Pray for your parents, do them good for given circumstances.

27. Manage your expectations for all the things you’ve always pray for. Brace yourself for the outcome.

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Iam.

 

The thoughtful gifts from Iam and Nilem for my first trip to SK.

On every turn I took when commute, there are always certain thoughts that leads by what is revolving on that moment.

Say it could be the view from what I saw upfront, the other drivers that shows how they actually not worthy to get the driver license, the songs that were played, the singer that sang it, the sudden thoughts when remembered old days, the old habits that no longer called as habits, old freaky embarrasing moments when I young or something like that.

One morning, a simple question from my brain, asking: "What's good for this weekend?"

As if this brain know how to works, it tells me, "Ohiya, you have that one re-scheduled plan to meet your friends." My serotonin peaks up immediately.

Thoughts after thoughts, questions after questions that leads to answers were cued in my brain and finally I have that one "GONG" that made me encountered one hard truth reality: "It's feel like forever I haven't meet this friend."

Immediately strucked my body when my brain decided to answer: "Yes you are, but he is no longer here."

Actually, suppresing that kind of feelins at that time was easy because first, I am experienced. Second, I was consumed by the urge to get to the office and get things done. Third, I was good showering myself to some distractions as simple as building up my concentration on the road. Most importantly, I do not let myself to be vurnerable in the morning when I had to keep my mind straight to get paid. Because setting up those feelings aside is our self defense mechanism and nature to doing so.

Then I remembered this saying when said the people that coming into our life would brings all of their lives along. When they left us, the memories stays and remains as if its their fault to leaving those behind... when the truth is that's just how we are holding onto them.

One fact: this friend shared a lot of interest things with me or any other my friends mostly. He gets excited when telling what he like, because who didn't? His jokes was alive, the gossip told by him was a top-notch, and I could hear the laughs resonated between spaces and that's why I was always happily, playfully, silly laughing when it comes to be in shared spaces with him.

The cool thing that I love about this friend is that he was vocal about what he likes and doesn't like. Being go getter than following what's others common things is one value that I implement also to myself. From that value, both me and him or kind of this people were keeping the bridge open but carefully selecting people who can or cannot pass the gate.

When finally the shuffle of my playlist lands to the one of singer of his favourites, I cannot help doing nothing but breakdown in the morning. This shows that even did I was familiar mustered up with grieving, I cannot believe that I had to make one more room for this friend as long as I live. He did come along and brings all his part of life to his friends and I cannot unlearn what he already brought to us.

What I want to pursue with this writings for  you is that I have always love the way you kept the spirit, Am. Even though this is a wasted paragraph but still, I am proud and happily contribute to write your memoir. I promise that the kindness, the manners, the passion that what makes you, you is worth to be compared with every single beautiful poem that has been written.

I know there were a lot of people who shares these adjectives, but it is you the special-selective person I know that have such qualities and thank you for being such a cool person that I miss dearly.

Also, glad to know one or two things on what you've liked and disliked because that is how the universe rings the bell when it is time to remember you for once in certain moments. 

I'll be sent you the prayer when it comes to it and I have already know that you greatly thankful when we did that for you. I miss you, and keep up with the smile up there! Love, always.

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Acne & Concert

This is not exactly what I want to say hello after a long time. I do have some drafts back in early year this year to comeback. But you know what? It never feels like I should share  the 2023 resolutions because that motivation just linger for some time and in another 8 or 14 hours later, I will think about my life is just pathetic—again, and just carry on without long-term goal like you did in you 26 years of my life.

Journaling become my God-knows-in-what-number-of-my-list because everything just happening in my heads, also, since writings taking so much energy and feelings, then it become set aside. Even the urge to write also did not make me to go and write.

And tonight, I need to actually dealt with this feelings. When talking with my human did not succeed to figure it out what is happening, then this is my last resort to sorting out everything before choosing what will I do from now on.

Let’s start with what happened these past months or things I want to talk about first.

1. Experiment with moments created by: money.

One of the simplest yet easy example is watching concert. I must say, as someone who is provide and support herself with limited sources as back-up except—back again, herself. Spending money on concert was not wisely tolerated by someone who is in the minimum income and in the bottom line of economy as moi.

When buying the first tickets, which is Jacob Collier’s show, I am holding dearly on my thoughts which resonated, “Well, you have always love music, this is one of that opportunity to absorb in those moments lively. Think about the pros and the cons! The cons is you only will sacrifice your money for this. So, yeah, let’s see if it’s worth your ego.”

The second show was Disney concert, I was in the middle of burnout and ends up buying the ticket in purpose to make those as rewards, the capability to earn the ticket was managed with my financial condition so it is necessary to said that this was OK.

Finished making those decisions, I told my sister that matters. She was supportive as hell or actually do not care how I spend my money because that is my money and I have full authority to spend it. As long as I remembered, she did not say something that made me questioned my actions. Although, I am the one who is need to convinced myself and told her that I was experimenting with my happiness and money, would I be fulfilled if I did these this? I also clearly stated to my sister, “I want to see myself, whether I am with happy with this approach (watching concerts with my own money), or not. I need to prove myself with this experiments that money buys experience and what will I felt after that.” And she said, like always, “Iya aja deh.”

Fast forward Disney concert, I get to see how singers, a very good singers, singing LIVE of some of my childhood favorite songs. Strangely, I did not get heavy goosebumps but I did mesmerized with the talents and more like shocked how the drinks’ prices in the venue was extremely expensive. And for me who is a water person, it’s no choice to not to buy drink.

Another thing I realized that I am not in the same position as some others audience who is mostly some privileged kids accompanied with parents who is willing to buy them overpriced merchandise or it is just me being bitter on not having parents? Haha what are those child’s fault. And if I think about it know, those live singers could be covered by youtube videos and a very good pair of headphones and voila, you will have that experience without get to sit for two hours while raise your hand to records some videos as a tools for your weak memory. Finally, I just being happy because that day I get my time off from work and not to think of anything else related to work (even I got some message from co-workers and clients but that was manageable).

Whilst you think I being ungrateful right now, just remember that I am figuring out my experiments. This nothing to do with my chance to finally did something that is called privileged and you know what? This is also new for me: look at the sub title (please…).

The second one was Jacob Collier show. This is getting interesting with the experiments. Firstly, I took my annual leave—even the concert starts in 9PM. Well, I am not in some conditions to stacking one agenda per agenda because I am bad multitasker which need to focus only on one thing. Since the concert will be finished in the midnight and the venue was far from home, so I did decide to stay in the hostel near the concert venue for my ease to go to office later in the morning. 

Amazing thoughts how I get to sleep in another place other than my room which I am not doing in a long time, but in reality, it feels undeniably uncomfortable with the self-consciousness of someone will put secret video cam in the room and I hate that I am sleeping in the place with some strangers, just some feelings of unsafe, I think? So yeah, thankfully I can deal with that for 16 hours in not very grand place.

About the concert, yes, the concert. The moment I stepped in, on the venues, Straight feeling for not belong in the crowd because everyone was with anyone and for the first time, I am not fine being alone. That self-confidence I’ve always had was gone, when I saw people comes in pairs more and more. Because of that new feelings, I had to go the restroom twice to catch my breath, locked in myself in there, sit and faked flush many times for ten minutes each. What a twist right? Feeling that panic for only being alone and felt that impossible to blend in with all the people there. I am exhausted even before the concert begins.

After pulling myself together, I go straight to the gate and go in. My plan to actually eat before the show but again, it was failed because this self is automatically judging people who was willingly to get in line for overpriced drinks and food or must I say extremely expensive, I’d rather endure the thirst and hunger, what an irony.

Fast forward, Jacob Collier was sublime, he was greatly talented. I wish he bring his band because that is why I want to see the concert. But, he is good standing all alone (not like me before), but I got a little bit annoyed after a while because he keeps asking the crowd to make a sound and does he know that I am actually starving and sleepy? Well, I did not get goosebumps other than enjoying myself on the song called “All I need”, but I admit that was hell of performance and experience. To sums up after the concert: I am happy, I am starving, and I am worried about work the next day. Geez what a life and humans’ feeling.

2. Acne

This was started after a year having a job and get to eat what I want, to buy some skincare products that I thought good for my skin, that new lifestyle getting out of control.

I can claim that I do eat some thing that are unhealthy (meat… a lot of meats and sugar from coffee and matcha latte. Gosh). I do buy some skincare that actually cheap but has ingredients that I thoughts good, that mistakes leading to 2-years breakouts that does not heal until today. Getting frustrated, this month’s menstrual period and those hormonal acne just the worst that I had in these past two years. I go straight to my lowest self-esteem ever and the sadness made these whole writings existed.

I know that I had to organize this lifestyle and back to the roots. I need to start my food diet and do more exercise. This all for the best. I also considering to moving out maybe? To get some more clean tap water. I still figuring it out about that but everything is plan. Please, God, smooth this plans for me. Surely, the most concern is the breakout and it is the most breakdown moment for me and hope this all getting better.

3. Closing on writings: How? Help, I forgot.

I did not have grand closing on this writings, because it’s already 2:05 AM and today is already Monday and again, this is not healthy, lack of sleep is not good just when I said I want to organizing lifestyle. Wtf, Giovanny. Well, bye then.

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Money

 

My purpose to do this writing is for declining all the panic thoughts about my financial crisis right in this middle of the year. Also as a reminder that some things are packed for the next months and those consistency that I planned are not gonna be a fullfilled goal.

God, I messed up. I know where this all started wrong, and where it leads me? The right one at least are to controling things I could control, but first thing first, worrying actually helps to triggering that wake up call. When this financial crisis happening, of course any stressful things also showed up there and there.

I eat as usual, to survive and not getting sick (Thank God). Set aside to repurchase my daily multivitamin boost because no money flows to that priority of needs in this last month but at least vitamin C is guarded. The problem is my hormonal acne. It's been months and its like not getting better and just getting worsen for some time. I had been tried to find what caused this, in every way I could but still I have no idea what makes this worsen.

After tried this and that, I am still lost and getting frustated by this sensitive skin. For now, I chosen to surrender. Whatever happens to this skin, I'm gonna embrace it and helps to slowly finds the remedy. I know that the complex will sticks with me for awhole but there are some better days for those skins. Those better days was leads me to think that I am actually have a nice face, its bringing happiness to my ego.

Another TMI. Have been 2 years not getting my hair cut and I think it is the longest that i've ever had. It grows as it supposed to and I love them, yeah of course some days it's getting heavy and annoying. But some time they're also pleasant to my eyes and this kind of feeling "I am beautiful and confident" really helps my days.

Grateful that I still have a job, still hang in there like always. Nani is well and I still heard her scolded her grandkids as it's some habit that I felt reassuring and calming because she is still here. Weird.

Grateful for my 80% health and 20% body ache and still could be handled and managed by sleep and rest and self massage. Praying for all the people I've lost and those who are still here and continously being present.

Grateful for my weekend's day nap-- completed and perfected by rain today. Delicious dinner and dessert with a friend. Followed by accepted request by another friend. Talkings with my sister and see Lulu. And blessed by active brain towrite this writings.

Finally, last... to sums up, I just want to reminds myself that my money will not becomes be my longtime savings. Instead, everything will set enough by Him, I believes He will makes things less hard. Even if I am struggling, or you are, keep in mind that...

Actually I really am a beautiful, gorgeous, also slay person in a good day. LOL. Pleasant only in my eyes and it is enough.

#Ah... another reminder to sing Rumah Singgah by Fabio Asher if I go to karaoke. This tik tok songs is really really great. 

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Tree

나의 해방일지 드라마 - 미구

Since we've always hustling and not quite care that organizing feelings, minds, and body are actually have to be in the priority when reached this chapter, it's a reminder to look again inside all of the little things.

I didn't have any draft of my journaling these past 2 moths and... where it leads me? I think I've always circling every agenda without thinking it thorough, I have become what I learned as a shallow person.

During that time period without writing, I am a big mess of little hurdles, inconvenience, or even couldn't enjoyed joyfulness without overwhelmed with them.

Everything is constant tiredness. I lost control over all my energy. So, isn't it almost time for actual person who is carrying a lot of love to offer and show up in purpose to help me get back on my feet? Or it is still the time when I should do it all alone again organizing this things in life like i've always did?

How many hundred days until everythings gonna be change? Because I think I need those big change maybe... right now?

I swear I'll focusing on every God's sign and watching every movements given but then again it doesn't even matter if the time is not the time yet.

I was so sure that I was received so much love growing up. Because if it doesn't-- why now I want nothing but love? Or Maybe if I am not received love as many as I had that time, I wouldn't be this alone and feel nothing that everyone is leaving.

I was also almost sure that growing up, what I had eaten is always a good things. Because if it doesn't-- why now I am mostly craving for any kind of love? Or Maybe if I just eaten a bad taste/looking food, I wouldn't be this shitty picky eaters who always eat whatever I want and not what I needed.

As a metaphor, I will always gonna be the youngest all my life. The needy things and somehow is like a tree which only grow if it was poured by love, sun, and water.

Certain thing is, everyone will die anyway, but with love, I am positive that we could live longer and savings more and more good things for the next live which is forever over there.

Songs to listen to: Yerin Baek - The Loved One. 

Listen Here on Spptify

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