Hey!

Hello.

Writing this on a fine Sunday morning.

I decided to lock all the posts because of the ease on my mind.

The idea of journaling in my mind currently at the moment is to absorb the writings personally.

This might sound like I couldn't care less what matters in real life. But the truth is, I just felt insecure.

So, yeah. I will not be blogging for maybe a very long time. Just gonna keep everything here recorded well and secured. Like there is people even care about this blog haha.

Bye.

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Hold me down

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Terakhir di blog ini adalah assesment di akhir tahun 2024. Akhir 2024 seperti ancaman terakhir untuk teriak dalam hati kalau sudah waktunya untuk ngoyo lagi. That is why banyak sekali hal-hal yang digentrakin di awal tahun sampai dapat realisasi kalau grasak grusuk menjelang waktunya itu malahan bikin panik dan putus asa. Tidak seharusnya gerak cepat itu dapet hasil yang cepat dan tepat juga. Di waktu yang sama, kesel banget dengan kata-kata "teratur dan konsisten". Namun apa daya, dua kata itu adalah jawabannya selama ini. Akhirnya, setelah ada keinginan untuk menulis evaluasi di quartal pertama di 2025, marilah refleksi tentang semua yang terjadi beberapa bulan lalu hingga hari ini.

If I was looking back to January 2025, hampir tidak ada keinginan untuk cuap-cuap atau nulis-nulis untuk meregulasi hati dan pikiran karena tertekan dengan berbagai hal yang harus di kejar. Mungkin belum waktunya, I guess? So what I did was focus on writing all the plans. However, detailing your life plans is the most stressful in a way you just want to give up and go back to sleep, forgetting your urge to lived. Mengapa? Karena disitu kita tidak punya hal-hal nyata, cuma angan-angan yang numpuk dan ancang-ancang usaha yang belum kelihatan hilalnya sebelum digerakin untuk ngejalanin tugas demi tugas hingga sampai ke tujuan. 

Selain itu, setiap nulis planning with much much details, the other side of my brain was like: "Enough lah, gak bakal bisa dirimu sampe kesitu, jalanin dulu aja tanpa goal, yang penting jalan." Ohhh those bad side of me... gak gitu caranya mempertanyakan kemampuan diri ini, Giovanny... Sesuatu tanpa goal itu malah bikin gak maju-maju, seperti meloloskan diri dapat hasil yang kurang karena faktor lain, padahal kalau jujur pada diri sendiri usahanya aja yang kurang. Makanya taruh exact things like numbers and date in every list and that's a must!

Stres di bulan Januari sampai Februari awal adalah tahap yang berat banget wallahi... at the end cuma bisa panik, nangis, gak nafsu makan, balik lagi anxiety up up up. Tapi ada aja kekuatan yang memaksa lanjut terus mumpung external distraction masih kecil-kecilan. Ditambah libur panjang saat itu sangat amat membantu gak direcokin kerjaan even still direcokin dikit-dikit.

Di pertengahan Februari, udah bisa mulai sedikit kurangin laju karena lebih aware sama diri sendiri kalau hal-hal yang harus dilakukan pada akhirnya bisa dikontrol kalau memang itu hajat kita (realisasi yang sudah disadari sejak dahulu kala tapi kadang-kadang keseringan lupa). Sedangkan yang bukan hajat kita, let Allah do His part. Bener-bener tenang di saat-saat itu. Semua kelihatan terang benderang karena finally, I know that part of myself will sticks with me for a long time which have been more insightful ketika ada di pertarungan ini.

Masih di pertengahan Februari itu, every songs, movies, or even reassurance from loved ones was just like a beautiful ringing to myself,. Pikiran negatif untuk menyanggah setiap nasihat yang diterima gak ada lagi, malah nasihat-nasihat itu yang bikin jadi penenang. Kebahagiaan orang-orang kesayangan juga bikin tambah-tambah menjadi faktor yang menambah keinginan lanjut berjuang. Lanjutlah diri ini siap mengusahakan semuanya kembali.

Nah, di masa tenang dan istirahat ini ternyata merupakan masa yang paling rentan dibandingkan masa juang lainnya. Apa yang udah dikerjakan sambil lari-larian sebelumnya berubah haluan menjadi jalan di tempat dengan dalih you deserve a rest from all this. Bahkan ada pemikiran dari diri sendiri kalau stuck itu wajar dan lanjut nanti-nanti aja karena toh aku juga occupied with other plans. Tapi the wiser me menyanggah itu semua dalam hati: "Ohhh bukan begitu caranya manusia..." Istirahat setelah lari-larian itu wajib biar kamu safe from falling, biar kamu gak terus-terusan merasa dikejar, biar kamu bisa menyerap makna apa yang bisa bikin kamu kuat lari-larian lagi. Pada saat udah mulai sadar untuk jalan lagi dan mengusahakan lagi, disitu juga agak-agak takut sama diri sendiri yang menunjukkan tanda-tanda kepribadian yang kadang termotivasi banget dan kadang loyo banget. Khusus untuk yang satu ini bahaya kalau dengan self-diagnose, akan lebih baik berobat sepertinya. Sumpah, visit psikolog kenapa wacana terus wahai diri?

Anyway, apa mau dikata, capek lari-larian, diri ini merasa perlu istirahat banyak karena menganggap tidak cukup kuat untuk ngos-ngosan kembali dalam waktu dekat. Akhirnya, yang tadinya cuma mau istirahat 1 minggu, jadi 2 minggu-ish karena alasan: "Lah wong aku ngerjain yang lain juga kok." Kalau udah sok-sok an begitu, serius, kesel banget ketemu bagian dari diri yang seperti ini. Pengen rasanya jitak terus seret ke jalan aja kalau bisa. But on other side, someone said do not being hard to yourself. Halah, ini otak plin-plan banget. Sebenernya kamu itu punya self-awareness atau tidak sih, Giovanny? 

At the end, karena terlalu lelah melawan diri sendiri di saat harus mengandalkan diri ini untuk lanjut, disitulah memutuskan untuk menggunakan bala bantuan eksternal. I am reaching out for help. I said that I don’t think I can meet the goal. How can I continue? Segala macam racauan dari omelan, lontaran kata-kata "terserah elu" yang amat sangat tidak di suka, sampai akhirnya dapat afirmasi positif dan motivasi, somehow make this self get back on the track. 

Tekanan eksternal dan tekanan deadline memanglah hal yang bisa membuat lanjut lari lagi. Tapi, ini adalah faktor ketika I did that "starting point" meaning that before this blockness, there are efforts which need to be continued. Aku sudah lari di awal dan ngos-ngosan, aku istirahat karena capek, nah pas lelah itu aku ngoyo, dan kengoyoan disitu yang bikin diri ini stuck untuk lanjut. Intinya, dukungan eksternal itu akan pleased to reach you once you are in the intermission. In the early phase, only YOU who can make it through dan bobok temboknya.

Setelah tekanan eksternal dan deadline, another crisis has arisen. Udah usaha macem-macem tapi ada aja rasanya yang menghalangi untuk sampai goal. In my case, masalah-masalah mulai bermunculan karena ada aja occassion segala macem yang bikin usahamu dinomorduakan. Kamusku, jangan sampai salah prioritas, jalani yang emang udah diusahakan berdasarkan rencana, dan kalau yang lain urgent dan tidak dapat terelakkan, make another plan to finish the urgent one first while continuing the effort. Wahhh bingung kan? Masa-masa kepala mau pecah, lagi-lagi males makan dan kamu akan merasa kalah ketika kamu jatuh sakit. That's what I experienced, mau segala sakit di hari-hari menuju deadline dan permintaan kerjaan semakin aneh-aneh, belum lagi masalah rumah ada aja gebrakannya dan ketika semuanya terasa kepepet, disitulah pertolongan Tuhan dan orang-orang kesayangan hadir. 

Balik lagi, apa yang memang sudah direncanakan dengan baik dan udah usaha itu gak selalu harus sesuai dengan kehendakku sebagai manusia. Rencanaku tidak ada apa-apanya dimata Tuhan. Tuhan benar-benar merancang segala hal yang baik untuk hambanya dan disitu sampai terheran-heran dengan hal-hal yang diluar kontrol diri ini. Hal-hal yang tidak sesuai dengan hajat kita, dibuat tepat dengan timing-nya Allah. Mana bisa aku lawan, yang bisa malahan bersyukur karena rencana-rencanaku di review sama Allah dan dibuat lebih baik lagi.

Dengan adanya revisi rencana yang diluar kontrol sebagai manusia, hal yang bisa dilakukan adalah menentukan skala prioritas. Diri kita gak bisa lanjut kalau badan gak sehat. Jadi usaha pertama adalah untuk mencegah dan mengobati sakitnya. Kencangkan doa, sampai-sampai ada di mana tetapin diri untuk nazar karena akupun bilang ke Allah lagi usaha begini bukan untuk diri ini aja tapi janji bakalan manfaat juga buat orang lain. Kalau lelah fisik, langsung gak skip dan benerin makan serta gejos dengan vitamin 2x lipat. Kalau capek hati, aku reach out ke sahabat dengan chat 1-2 jam sambil ngobrol untuk getting away sejenak. Sekalian terima kasih bagi siapapun sahabat yang ketika aku bilang udah lama banget gak ngobrol atau ketemu dan mereka langsung tahu kalau aku lagi gak kenapa-kenapa. Mereka langsung cas cis cus sharing their daily life with me karena timbal balik mendengarkan adalah anugerah dalam setiap interaksi manusia. Sangat amat berterima kasih untuk hubungan dua arah dari sahabat-sahabatku ini.

Sekarang, hurdle pertama sudah berhasil dilompati dan sampai di langkah yang lebih maju. Saat dapat hasil pertama, senengnya bukan main, langsung info ke orang-orang yang tahu segelintir rencanaku dan doakan segala kelancaran hajat ini. Kemudian lanjutlah hurdle kedua paralel dengan menunggu hasil sambil harap-harap cemas. Di tengah-tengah menunggu hasil dan tawakal, mari lanjut planning for all the possibilities. Tidak lupa juga rewarding myself once in a while.

Lastly, after two and a half months of hard work, I am writing this so I can let go of the feelings I have gone through. From the start until the rewards days ago, I am embracing all the moments and grateful to myself who is competing relentlessly with herself until now and knowing that she is loved at least by a few people around her. One thing I am not shy to ask people as if anyone reading this, is please pray for me, I could use some prayers in this current phase of my life. Thank you.

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Assessment

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Apart from the need to assess my subordinate at work, I think I should be the one who needs to assess my life at the end of this year.

Weeks ago, I came to a realization in the middle of some high frequency electronic dance music where the people around me were getting excited and jumping around with the hype. Then it clicked with my awareness that I was not comfortable being part of that kind of crowd. I had simply followed the opportunities that came for me but that was it. In the midst of it all, it felt like nothing really mattered.

Also, it came to my understanding that the society which I was raised in has become something I didn't care enough to try fixing because it was so corrupted by everyone that benefit from the systems.

Still in that crowd, I was observing. Most of the people whom attended the caremony have a stable jobs that somehow made them accompanied with their spouses/partners or even their children because that's what the ideal lifestyle looks like in this society. Looking at that pattern, I feel that marrying some Indonesian guy with steady jobs backed up with their existing parents and big family followed by some not-really-pure inheritance of wealth has never been an option for me. For one, I feel like I have nothing to offer. Secondly, I simply not wanting to be judged or pitied that I did not have alive parents or any proper family background to support me so (big insecurity detected). I think becoming someone's daughter or son is a privilege I didn't fully appreciate eight years ago.

I have come a long long way drama with messed-up relatives going around over the past 27 years of my life. While we live separate lives now, I have come to understand that relatives are just relatives, they are so much different with the main family (based on the importance and urgency). 

Honestly, I could just packed up my bag and leaving on a jet plane (?) because literally I was given an available-unused-space in this house where I resided for the past 7 years and now it got me thinking why I didn't go immediately after making some money? Is it because I still hold on to my beliefs? Customs? Some attachments issues? Or maybe the very close reasoning is simply because my salary isn’t enough to afford a proper personal place? 

What a misery it is to live in this country as sandwich generation/middle-class.

As I reflected from some silly self diagnosed videos in tiktok which believing that my toxic trait is attachment issue which I know I sound stupid—but honestly, It has become my thing that I will start to move on if I really really getting enough—or when I no longer feel like I have anything to do with those things anymore or the highest peek is when I am getting bored in a way it starts making me sick.

It is ironic to living the life where you are supposed to be grateful because you are in the "safe zone" yet after being the same conditions over and over. You will keep coming back to the same cycle: feeling grateful for your mundane life until the day comes when you have responsibilities not just for yourself but for someone else too. But hey, as long as you happy and fulfilled, I think that's a safe choice.

However, right now, I have nothing to lose. I am alone—in a good way. I may be alone but I do have people who are my support system. Before I settle into a mundane life and have responsibilities to any other human that is part of me, I won't hesitate for a second to leave all this behind. Slowly but surely, I have started to form an exit plan. As someone who are full of passion and hundreds of goals to reach, told me, when you are starting somewhere, you also must plan an exit. That’s how you keep life moving forward, or at least keep the will to live it.

I know I will probably going to break down at some point in this exit plan if things didn't go well as planned, maybe in the middle of it, I will need help—not only from my people but also from a psychologist, to help remind me to bring back all the reasoning in this head why I am still here.

Happy Friday, It is now Friday. Just 4 hours away to get back up and werk werk werk werk werk.

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Older (and Wiser)

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Not meant to reviewing the deluxe album of Lizzy McAlpine which was out hours ago, but with the release of her album, the album title was the muse of the theme of this writings (hopefully it will be out in the blog) and bring such a related content with what happened today—and again… hopefully this writings could be done and be shared on my blog.

Almost 2-years being in the main business of company, doing exactly what kind of work which guarding the wheels keeps spinning, I have learned so much comparing than I was in the other first and second positions before me.

The stressed thing was over almost a year after doing the work, post those times, I must say, the 70% of pressure was off and going smoothly. I am grateful for this kind of condition happening right now.

Well, I almost certain that I did make many connections in this phase. Approached people who I did not know before, coordinated with them to get things done and negotiating to reach into the agreement even after back-to-back doing internal discussion. Well, the negotiate part which I am still trying peel one by one until it got succeeded after my own decisions, but anyway, because of that, my communications skills were accelerating rapidly.

Back to today… after having meeting outside the office which felt hassled because how Jakarta in the afternoon was so damp and hot (Actually I still did not liking the feelings before doing the meeting)… I came to realization that in this age of mine, I was still lack of knowledge and it shows when I got to talk with my team which including my boss and my consultant.

I wanted to defend myself with some excuses on how my brain's frontal lobe just fully formed (?) just 2 years ago—which a compatible time for being an elegant-mature-smart adult who could get things done without asking my boss everything—or some reasons of me being friends with only a very limited number of people.

Anyway, having conversations with group of people who already done much—especially business in his/her work-life brings a mesmerizing thoughts also insecure feeling when you cannot catch up with what they are saying or only listening both of them talking aliens.

I know I much younger than them, and I very much certain that I needed that kind of convo for having challenges to keep learning… but also it is kind of scary when they know almost everything. There is no doubt that they will say that I am predictable and have this certain gen-Z attitude. And for the first time in my life… I was called introvert which I did not believe because I always knew I was extrovert or maybe all of my personality just all over the place now? I feel like I almost choked up when I was categorized by something I didn't even think before.

But anyway, in a reasonable portion—it is not having conversations with people who are much older than you was all horrible. It’s still awkward and you are trying to receiving all the information but it is more than fine and what I liked about it so much that I get opportunity to know what they are fussing about and also observing which I am hunger for more. 

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27th Wisdom

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Because we do not have all the time in this world, what if I compile some personal wisdom that I have found and carried along in daily life—personally as individual. Mostly subjective, absurd, random, arousing questions and TMI.

1. Apple Music has way better audio quality than Spotify. As an Android and Spotify user for years, this discovery could be a deal breaker to stay in Android.

2. Your boss and colleagues will like you more if you are tending to listen. Just be an active listener, gather information and answer the question. The rest communication is not actually necessary.

3. You get bored with everything you used to enjoy. But losing interest also brings you to another perspective of what you used to hate, and then you actually try something new in those processes.

4. Fasting is starving yourself for good purposes. Diet, eating disorders, spiritual devotion, etc are in fact solved by fasting.

5. Be brave enough to lower your guard and then up your awareness around—especially strangers. Just believe that sometimes our instinct will protect us from bad things and attract good things. If it is a nice thing, you will have a good day.

6. Having separate phones for work and personal matters is not necessarily needed. At the end of the day, your judgment of importance and urgency was strengthened to handle out-of-work hours messages.

7. Free Palestine!

8. More and more paying attention to your dental and oral health. Just imagine you will be kissed by someone every day, that kind of motivation will keep you from smelly breath.

9. Thoughtful gifts are cool. You are an adult, you must take the time to think about what gift to bring and hopefully, you have the money to spend.

10. When someone checks on you, and with the complexity going around, if you did not bother to respond any other day ahead, you are an asshole even if deep down you feel grateful.

11. You start to question: “Does the likeness to certain celebrities feel lame?”
Well, all we do is find distraction which is camouflaged with self-satisfaction. Call it happiness or coping mechanism, just enjoy the excitement.

12. Inevitable judging “She/He/They should’ve known better” to your family and friends are the act of ignorance. Check on them!

13. Basic potential most likely revealed in the second year after your quarter life. If you must know more about the hidden potential of yourself, then go on, if you are fine with all you got in the present, that is realistic.

14. Travelling requires good fit and funds to support the feeling of “all-in” or “YOLO”. You don’t have both? No judgment for those people who choose to sleep in on their holiday.

15. Dude who wasn’t interested in you will let everything doesn’t happen. Dude who occasionally finds you, he is definitely just a friend.

16. From now on, you will fancy walking more than everything else.

17. The 4-hour conversation with the acquaintance becomes regular thing you need once in a month. There also goes the skill of being a good conversationalist.

18. The guts to cut off friendship was done without conversation. You are being careless with one existence and before you know it, the gap is already big anyway.

19. There is so many layers in low-maintenance friendships. With everything that happens in life, focusing on yourself is understandable and should be. Instead, if the balance on receiving approach was much more than you did on your friends, you are self-loving selfish.

20. It is too much for someone who ever dealt with grief expected to be a reliable person. But if they become it, give them hug and offer help while you can.

21. Free Palestine!

22. Stick to your groceries list, tick your to-do list with honesty.

23. Being lonely makes you impulsive. Having a company requires more money.

24. Submit reimbursement for anything that is allowed by your company. Take it for granted.

25. Guard your fundamentals, being more practical to our religion, and be conservative just for yourself.

26. Pray for your parents, do them good for given circumstances.

27. Manage your expectations for all the things you’ve always pray for. Brace yourself for the outcome.

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