Money

 

My purpose to do this writing is for declining all the panic thoughts about my financial crisis right in this middle of the year. Also as a reminder that some things are packed for the next months and those consistency that I planned are not gonna be a fullfilled goal.

God, I messed up. I know where this all started wrong, and where it leads me? The right one at least are to controling things I could control, but first thing first, worrying actually helps to triggering that wake up call. When this financial crisis happening, of course any stressful things also showed up there and there.

I eat as usual, to survive and not getting sick (Thank God). Set aside to repurchase my daily multivitamin boost because no money flows to that priority of needs in this last month but at least vitamin C is guarded. The problem is my hormonal acne. It's been months and its like not getting better and just getting worsen for some time. I had been tried to find what caused this, in every way I could but still I have no idea what makes this worsen.

After tried this and that, I am still lost and getting frustated by this sensitive skin. For now, I chosen to surrender. Whatever happens to this skin, I'm gonna embrace it and helps to slowly finds the remedy. I know that the complex will sticks with me for awhole but there are some better days for those skins. Those better days was leads me to think that I am actually have a nice face, its bringing happiness to my ego.

Another TMI. Have been 2 years not getting my hair cut and I think it is the longest that i've ever had. It grows as it supposed to and I love them, yeah of course some days it's getting heavy and annoying. But some time they're also pleasant to my eyes and this kind of feeling "I am beautiful and confident" really helps my days.

Grateful that I still have a job, still hang in there like always. Nani is well and I still heard her scolded her grandkids as it's some habit that I felt reassuring and calming because she is still here. Weird.

Grateful for my 80% health and 20% body ache and still could be handled and managed by sleep and rest and self massage. Praying for all the people I've lost and those who are still here and continously being present.

Grateful for my weekend's day nap-- completed and perfected by rain today. Delicious dinner and dessert with a friend. Followed by accepted request by another friend. Talkings with my sister and see Lulu. And blessed by active brain towrite this writings.

Finally, last... to sums up, I just want to reminds myself that my money will not becomes be my longtime savings. Instead, everything will set enough by Him, I believes He will makes things less hard. Even if I am struggling, or you are, keep in mind that...

Actually I really am a beautiful, gorgeous, also slay person in a good day. LOL. Pleasant only in my eyes and it is enough.

#Ah... another reminder to sing Rumah Singgah by Fabio Asher if I go to karaoke. This tik tok songs is really really great. 

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Tree

나의 해방일지 드라마 - 미구

Since we've always hustling and not quite care that organizing feelings, minds, and body are actually have to be in the priority when reached this chapter, it's a reminder to look again inside all of the little things.

I didn't have any draft of my journaling these past 2 moths and... where it leads me? I think I've always circling every agenda without thinking it thorough, I have become what I learned as a shallow person.

During that time period without writing, I am a big mess of little hurdles, inconvenience, or even couldn't enjoyed joyfulness without overwhelmed with them.

Everything is constant tiredness. I lost control over all my energy. So, isn't it almost time for actual person who is carrying a lot of love to offer and show up in purpose to help me get back on my feet? Or it is still the time when I should do it all alone again organizing this things in life like i've always did?

How many hundred days until everythings gonna be change? Because I think I need those big change maybe... right now?

I swear I'll focusing on every God's sign and watching every movements given but then again it doesn't even matter if the time is not the time yet.

I was so sure that I was received so much love growing up. Because if it doesn't-- why now I want nothing but love? Or Maybe if I am not received love as many as I had that time, I wouldn't be this alone and feel nothing that everyone is leaving.

I was also almost sure that growing up, what I had eaten is always a good things. Because if it doesn't-- why now I am mostly craving for any kind of love? Or Maybe if I just eaten a bad taste/looking food, I wouldn't be this shitty picky eaters who always eat whatever I want and not what I needed.

As a metaphor, I will always gonna be the youngest all my life. The needy things and somehow is like a tree which only grow if it was poured by love, sun, and water.

Certain thing is, everyone will die anyway, but with love, I am positive that we could live longer and savings more and more good things for the next live which is forever over there.

Songs to listen to: Yerin Baek - The Loved One. 

Listen Here on Spptify

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Pick me up

Ages ago (seems like it but it was the fact), I was told by my mother to be present at everything in my life. So I try to be. At primary-school age, I am so okay talking to strangers i.e bookstore staff to ask what I'm looking for. I'm also make my own order at foodcourt, or run errands without fails-- to sums up, I am a little girl with high functional social skills. The one minus thing is I talked too much so that everyone stop listening but still it was easy for me to seeking attention. Yeah, I know, what a bitch.

But when I come to think about the past, the one also who think that I am not ready to do all the thing by myself is my mom. She has this habit to do all the thing that she believe it was difficult and let me be at ease with my life instead I can go learning more and maybe be more excelled than I could be that time.

Therefore, she choosed to believe that I am someone who need more protection than my siblings or any other of my family.

Definitely, I'm not resenting her thought of me being "not ready" yet in some aspects. How could I be? It was her love after all. Her act of love that gratefully were shown by my maturtinity thought along this time.

That some aspects that her mother's instinct told her not to trust his daughter to do are: riding motorcycle.

Lol, what a plot twist. But I promise you this is a good story.

I am in junior high, not a legal age to riding motorcycle but it was practical to riding one to school even school doesn't allow it but I believe that in any school, there was usually a parking lot-- made illegally by citizen around school for student's vehicle-- but again to scalling the value of it was legal or illegal, the most important is: it was practical.

Mama doesn't allowed me to bring one to school. Of course, I was a novice rider, I'm clumsy when it comes to anything related to practical skills-- but still I think I can riding with careful manner tho.

But no, baby. She decided to asking my sister who is being moody all the time (usually in the morning) to drive me to school. Believe me, it was a torture if dad can't drive me and my only choice is my scary, moody, gangsta sister who also going to school or college with weight around her shoulders. Yeah I get it everyone not all into school. But the thing is, I am loving school a lot. Even if it is rain, I go all the way with my raincoat, slippers, and it was a happy commute.

So, my junior high school life filled with picked up moments and trying to get the time right as my school end-bell rang and the one who has a duty to pick me up. And even I like school a lot, back to home is the always the number one happiness. Who isn't?

TODAY is the reason that I writing this.

When I had the clarity that now I am must and had to do everything on my own, I remembered how all the things that mama taught me and beyond grateful that her choice, almost everything that had something to do with my life is completely, precisely, accurately RIGHT and without error. How come her motherhood is so perfect that even she didn't know that her daughters is shaped beautifully because of her choice? You should proud of yourself mam...

OK. Now that I am not obviously only taking care of myself, I have a triggering story that started all of this writings.

TODAY, I picked up Nani from Mosque. She is doing her gathering with another Nani and I am usually take her and pick her up like always. But today is the first time that she riding motocycle with me after her unhealthiness back then. But she is okay now, so yeah I am grateful again. The thing is, Nani didn't know when will the gathering done so she asked me to stand by. So I did.

And when the gathering was longer than I and Nani estimated, because waiting is not my virtue, so I decided to scrolling around my neigborhood to buy takjil and filled my motorcycle tire with special air as a routine thing I got in this repair shop.

After awhile, I am back to the mosque and it was no sign that the gathering will end soon. So, I think it might be enough time to go to my friend's house, to have a little bit face to face time and little chit chat and voila I go back to mosque-- again-- rushly because I didn't want to Nani wait.

The gathering still going on and on. When I tried to listened closely to mosque speaker, the mc of that gathering indicated that it will end soon but I know that it still have much time for people to actually come out. So, I decided to buy another takjil (Sorry in advance cuz I'm become so consumptive rn, it's because I just had my paycheck). Well then, It didn't take long so I got back to the mosque, had a best parking place, scrolling twitter a few minutes, and I see people one by one out of the mosque, mostly woman who same age with my Nani.

I am at ease, thinking that anytime now... and there she is. Looking over from mosque's gates to find me and three seconds later our eyes meet. She was pleased to see me without even trying. On that time I was feeling that feeling again, that time when my dad or my sister found my face in the crowd of students or when I find familiar face, my kind of people who love me that will get my back everytime I needed them.

And that was a family. I am grateful that I had that kind of love, whether they no longer or still here, their love still can be felt.

Oh, what a writing. Your brain and heart is seriously on its pace now, Giovanny. Thank you for myself!

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Makan Dulu

 

Awal-awal bergelar sebagai "sebatang kara" (sedih banget deskripsinya). Pokoknya di masa awal punya label "itu", gue paling enggan yang namanya pulang ke rumah yang saat itu sedang gue tumpangi hingga saat ini.

Selain gatau mau ngapain di rumah dan belum ada rasa nyaman dijadikan tempat pulang, akhirnya sering banget main bahkan nginep ke rumah temen-temen yang bisa di jangkau.

Saking gamau banget banget pulang ke rumah, biasanya kalau senin-jum'at bisa ngampus dan ada ongkos, gue pasti jalan. Mau ada kerjaan atau sedikit alasan biar bisa ke kampus, gue pasti ke kampus. Gimana kalau weekend? Nah ini yang harus di akalin.

Akhirnya seperti yang gue bilang tadi, gue main ke rumah temen. Entah numpang wifi download film ilegal atau sekedar yaa main dan nginep aja numpang makan gratis.

Numpang makan gratis inilah yang sesungguhnya bikin bahagia dan bersyukur masih bermunculan orang-orang baik di sekitar gue yang mau kasih rezekinya ke bocah dewasa 20 tahun yang sudah sepantasnya dan ideal karena mampu cari uang sendiri tapi terlalu sibuk menye-menye menangis meratapi nasib saat di cicipin dan digerus sama pahitnya dunia.

Masakan ibu/umi/mama/emaknya-- (so far belum punya temen yg manggil mamanya "bunda") --temen-temen gue yaa tipikal masakan ibu pada umumnya. Enak, sederhana dan pastinya kesukaan anaknya. Berkat itu, gue banyak belajar hal dari yang namanya "makan di rumah orang".

Makan di rumah orang yang didatengin seperti yang kita tahu yaa memang adat di Indonesia. Bahkan, kalau menolak yang punya rumah kemungkinan bisa "tersinggung". Nah sebagai tamu yang disuguhin, apalagi anak gen bla bla seperti gue yang ga enakan namun di lain sisi mau tapi malu halah. Mungkin bahasa lembutnya adalah gamau menolak rezeki karena menerima adalah naluri manusia yang bisa membuat manusia itu entah terbebani atau senang atau merasa layak mendapatkannya.

Jadi, yaudah aku senang sekali akhirnya bisa makan-makanan rumah yang nyerempet rasanya seperti yang biasa almarhumah mama masak, gratis pula, duitnya bisa buat beli bensin-- karena jujur saat itu makanan sehari-hari gue adalah mie dan telor, mentok-mentok beli pecel tambah bakwan kalo engga urab ditabur peyek rebon.

Rasa syukur dan bahagia pun menyelimuti hati ini yang kering kerontang karena butuh kasih sayang mama papa. Orang tua temen-temen gue ini tau kali ya kalo gue suka makan terus beliau-beliau bingung ini anak kenapa jadi rada-rada kurus? Apa gara-gara stress? Haha. Akhirnya gue pun banyak ngobrol dan alhamdulillah bisa ngerasain suasana rumah lagi walau bukan rumah sendiri. Dan itulah yang membuat gue luwes kalau ketemu orang tua, walaupun mungkin kadang beliau-beliau mikir kampret juga nih anak sopannya setengah-setengah.

Sebagai penutupan, izinkanlah saya, memberikan salam untuk orang tua kalian. Sampaikan, terima kasih sudah memberi aku makan di rumah kalian. Mungkin masih belum bisa ku balas satu-persatu, tapi kudoakan selalu kesehatan dan rezeki beliau-beliau yang hatinya hangat sekali. Terima kasih, sekali lagi.

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