I Am Writing This So I Could Get Back To Sleep.

I was playing would you rather in my head to holding back the doubtness of what I did through in this life these past couple months.

Should've done it like I'm usually do, get things done, taking my time, and move on. Maybe a little bit grumbling a long the way. But nowadays, the feeling of restless starting to taking over.

Uncertain possibilities piles up and I can't simply just get rid of that. I've always denying by thought "Well, everyone feels the same way." 

Well, everyone is, but its not your business. You can't always put people in front of you and facing your feelings as leftovers.

I was in talk with my friends. They said, "It's much better you still kept out from all the unnecessary investment in relationships. The effort is just... bigger than you can think of."

The truth is, I don't even want to thinking a lot of it. They said, it is much better away from all that stuff-- but I think I could cover it up if anything happens. Things like that have to be both important and negligible at the same time.

I'm used being alone. Even when my mom and dad and sisters still around I have this likeness of being alone. Also this past years, I somehow grateful for all the time I spent it all alone. But I think its time that this loneliness gone, I had enough. I needed a company. But again, who are we? Getting things that we want.

"The fear of loss is stronger when one truly has something to lose, so when you jump in full hurts that much more" - I seriously quoting this from short story of Conneto UK advertisement.

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Self-reward.

 

You are hoping when the next time you see my writings again, it would be post pandemic? Well hell no baby, its worsen! In Indonesia of course.

People...... dying. We are. If we are surviving this pandemic until it's over... until it's really in the very much edge when we could call it Covid-19 free, I promised I shouldn't take things for granted.

I will work my ass off to do whatever I want to do. I'll go overseas, spending money I've earned and seeing people as much they want to see new people like me! I'll left behind these familiar place and people without planning to ever comeback. I'll missed it though, but just let me go. 

Anyway, I got something to talk about.

I find a "self-reward" culture was used for us-- the usual type or ordinary person with minimun wage-- to reassuring their consumptive behaviour or as you called now as eaten by capitalism.

That kind of standard-- the consumptive one I mean-- were used on bought things like literally things or food. 

And here's I want to talk about: 

Ever since I'm making money, the necessity of things was increased because I have a whole different agenda everyday. The basic need of food or any utilities must be fulfilled as long as in proper quantity. So it can't be called as self-reward.

Is self-reward only achievable by some or a lot of money? 

How was your needs determined where it belongs?

Are they a basic needs, self-reward or consumptive behaviour?

Like always... I have too much questions.

First answer: Oh no, darling. Self-reward doesn't have to be earned by money. It is earned by you and for you.

Let me give you an example of self-reward that is earned by you and for you. If you are watching Hospital Playlist, Song Hwa asked Ik-Jun what thing he do to himself-- not for others as always he did in the first place. Song Hwa then showing this photo of camping's tools that she's bought recently for her and proudly said that she is happy when she bought it. When Song Hwa asked again what Ikjun did to make himself happy, Ikjun answering having dinner or lunch with Song Hwa, that's the thing that he do it for himself to make he's happy. And... that's it... That's it!

You are simply didn't need money for self-reward. Just used your money for basic needs and voila... 

Self reward is doing something with people and acknowledge that you doing it for you not for people you want to do something with. It is both selfish and selfless. Hahah, mindblowing, isn't it?

I just found out lately. 

I am rewarding myself with serenity from others. How their day went or something I could help to make they at least feeling at ease.

But, this self-reward also has a risk and deficiency. The more you care about people, your value about balancing selfless and selfisness could be imbalance. You starting to questioning, is it true you are happy doing this or just feel more burdened by it. Like I do feel now. I do still in the middle of reasoning why I made this writings. Is it for me or is it trying to tell a certain people?

Confused? Well, me too.

Don't think too much. I am just wasting your time.

Bye and happy reading!

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