This is not exactly what I want to say hello after a long time. I do have some drafts back in early year this year to comeback. But you know what? It never feels like I should share the 2023 resolutions because that motivation just linger for some time and in another 8 or 14 hours later, I will think about my life is just pathetic—again, and just carry on without long-term goal like you did in you 26 years of my life.
Journaling become my God-knows-in-what-number-of-my-list because everything just happening in my heads, also, since writings taking so much energy and feelings, then it become set aside. Even the urge to write also did not make me to go and write.
And tonight, I need to actually dealt with this feelings. When talking with my human did not succeed to figure it out what is happening, then this is my last resort to sorting out everything before choosing what will I do from now on.
Let’s start with what happened these past months or things I want to talk about first.
1. Experiment with moments created by: money.
One of the simplest yet easy example is watching concert. I must say, as someone who is provide and support herself with limited sources as back-up except—back again, herself. Spending money on concert was not wisely tolerated by someone who is in the minimum income and in the bottom line of economy as moi.
When buying the first tickets, which is Jacob Collier’s show, I am holding dearly on my thoughts which resonated, “Well, you have always love music, this is one of that opportunity to absorb in those moments lively. Think about the pros and the cons! The cons is you only will sacrifice your money for this. So, yeah, let’s see if it’s worth your ego.”
The second show was Disney concert, I was in the middle of burnout and ends up buying the ticket in purpose to make those as rewards, the capability to earn the ticket was managed with my financial condition so it is necessary to said that this was OK.
Finished making those decisions, I told my sister that matters. She was supportive as hell or actually do not care how I spend my money because that is my money and I have full authority to spend it. As long as I remembered, she did not say something that made me questioned my actions. Although, I am the one who is need to convinced myself and told her that I was experimenting with my happiness and money, would I be fulfilled if I did these this? I also clearly stated to my sister, “I want to see myself, whether I am with happy with this approach (watching concerts with my own money), or not. I need to prove myself with this experiments that money buys experience and what will I felt after that.” And she said, like always, “Iya aja deh.”
Fast forward Disney concert, I get to see how singers, a very good singers, singing LIVE of some of my childhood favorite songs. Strangely, I did not get heavy goosebumps but I did mesmerized with the talents and more like shocked how the drinks’ prices in the venue was extremely expensive. And for me who is a water person, it’s no choice to not to buy drink.
Another thing I realized that I am not in the same position as some others audience who is mostly some privileged kids accompanied with parents who is willing to buy them overpriced merchandise or it is just me being bitter on not having parents? Haha what are those child’s fault. And if I think about it know, those live singers could be covered by youtube videos and a very good pair of headphones and voila, you will have that experience without get to sit for two hours while raise your hand to records some videos as a tools for your weak memory. Finally, I just being happy because that day I get my time off from work and not to think of anything else related to work (even I got some message from co-workers and clients but that was manageable).
Whilst you think I being ungrateful right now, just remember that I am figuring out my experiments. This nothing to do with my chance to finally did something that is called privileged and you know what? This is also new for me: look at the sub title (please…).
The second one was Jacob Collier show. This is getting interesting with the experiments. Firstly, I took my annual leave—even the concert starts in 9PM. Well, I am not in some conditions to stacking one agenda per agenda because I am bad multitasker which need to focus only on one thing. Since the concert will be finished in the midnight and the venue was far from home, so I did decide to stay in the hostel near the concert venue for my ease to go to office later in the morning.
Amazing thoughts how I get to sleep in another place other than my room which I am not doing in a long time, but in reality, it feels undeniably uncomfortable with the self-consciousness of someone will put secret video cam in the room and I hate that I am sleeping in the place with some strangers, just some feelings of unsafe, I think? So yeah, thankfully I can deal with that for 16 hours in not very grand place.
About the concert, yes, the concert. The moment I stepped in, on the venues, Straight feeling for not belong in the crowd because everyone was with anyone and for the first time, I am not fine being alone. That self-confidence I’ve always had was gone, when I saw people comes in pairs more and more. Because of that new feelings, I had to go the restroom twice to catch my breath, locked in myself in there, sit and faked flush many times for ten minutes each. What a twist right? Feeling that panic for only being alone and felt that impossible to blend in with all the people there. I am exhausted even before the concert begins.
After pulling myself together, I go straight to the gate and go in. My plan to actually eat before the show but again, it was failed because this self is automatically judging people who was willingly to get in line for overpriced drinks and food or must I say extremely expensive, I’d rather endure the thirst and hunger, what an irony.
Fast forward, Jacob Collier was sublime, he was greatly talented. I wish he bring his band because that is why I want to see the concert. But, he is good standing all alone (not like me before), but I got a little bit annoyed after a while because he keeps asking the crowd to make a sound and does he know that I am actually starving and sleepy? Well, I did not get goosebumps other than enjoying myself on the song called “All I need”, but I admit that was hell of performance and experience. To sums up after the concert: I am happy, I am starving, and I am worried about work the next day. Geez what a life and humans’ feeling.
2. Acne
This was started after a year having a job and get to eat what I want, to buy some skincare products that I thought good for my skin, that new lifestyle getting out of control.
I can claim that I do eat some thing that are unhealthy (meat… a lot of meats and sugar from coffee and matcha latte. Gosh). I do buy some skincare that actually cheap but has ingredients that I thoughts good, that mistakes leading to 2-years breakouts that does not heal until today. Getting frustrated, this month’s menstrual period and those hormonal acne just the worst that I had in these past two years. I go straight to my lowest self-esteem ever and the sadness made these whole writings existed.
I know that I had to organize this lifestyle and back to the roots. I need to start my food diet and do more exercise. This all for the best. I also considering to moving out maybe? To get some more clean tap water. I still figuring it out about that but everything is plan. Please, God, smooth this plans for me. Surely, the most concern is the breakout and it is the most breakdown moment for me and hope this all getting better.
3. Closing on writings: How?
Help, I forgot.
I did not have grand closing on
this writings, because it’s already 2:05 AM and today is already Monday and again,
this is not healthy, lack of sleep is not good just when I said I want to
organizing lifestyle. Wtf, Giovanny. Well, bye then.
