Maybe my occupation in past life is a nurse-- which just nonsense because there's no such thing in my holy book. So... yeah. Why I said that? Because... I'm the expert on taking care of person. Especially unwell people. I just know... and good at it.
Do not get me started with anything. I am an adult who wished not to be one.
I don't know how to behaving like 24 year old woman in this country. We all live in standard. I want out. But it seems like everyone holding on me. Or it just me who couldn't let go.
Last night I was imagining what would my mom said to me in this specifically time, is she would say "So sorry you should go through this again when thinking all is starting to settled but the fact it isn't. Sorry I couldn't be there and you have to take that responsbility when I know it's too much."
And the most important things is what will my mom really said to me if she's still alive? Is she asked for my help like others or just let me go and live my life.
I am tremendously tired. Like being an orphan not already hard, I have to going through all of it once again.
What is life exactly?
Is it looking all beautiful places, taken by someone by picture and video they're sharing and be done and enough to just look in this fucking small screen?
Is it feeling miserable when people you living with also miserable, taking care of them and god knows until when.
Is it being kind, take all responsbility because you just don't want to take courage labelled as selfish person with people you knew.
What's the meaning off all this?
I'll die eventually in no time.
No, I won't do anything to die. I want to keep alive. But this is not the life I want, it is choosen for me but it's hard and I don't care anymore. There, I said it.
And shoot, I have so much to do at work tomorrow. Money is a sure thing.
